3 games and what have we learned?

Now that I've given all the teams in the Premiership a run out in my blog, it is time to focus on the team that matters to me; Spurs. First of all, what the hell was that pitiful performance in today's ownage by Everton? Up 1 man for an hour and you play like a bunch of neutered puppies out there. Unacceptable. Our only saving grace is that Arsenal lost to Man City today and are still below us in the table, albeit they have a game in hand. Why we did not attack more against The Toffees is completely beyond me and one thing has become glaring. We really needed to get Damien Duff for that left side. Our attack on the left was deplorable and it was pretty much up to Lennon to control all the wide play. There are 6 days left to find a suitable left winger so we can take that douchebag Jenas off. Every shot, every cross, every touch is pretty much crap and I could do without him to be honest. It is because of this crap left side that there is absolutely ZERO service into our boys up front. One more thing. We need Ledley King back in a big way. That middle of Davenport and Dawson is extremely underwhelming if I am a center forward. King and Dawson will give us a bit more shape back there. I really can't fault Robbo for any of the goals today, so he gets a pass.

It all boils down to this. If you would have offered us 3 points out of the 1st 3 games, I'd have told you to piss off. As it stands now, however, this is not a team that will take 4th in the league and until we get our shit together, we'll be lucky to finish top half. I won't comment on the 1st 2 games because, to be honest, we had zero chemistry against Bolton and we SHOULD have beat Sheffield, so I don't take those games into consideration in taking a long hard look at this side. This game versus Everton really made me question our attacking prowess and our overall desire to play. All credit to the Blues. They wanted it more and they got a deserved result. Tony Soprano better start calling his "connections" to get some of these guys proverbially whacked.

The 4th and final installment of the "official" preview for the English Premier League

Tottenham Hotspur: The team that I’ll most likely go to the grave supporting. Why, you may ask. It all began rather innocuously as I started my journey towards becoming a massive football fan. After the miracle in Istanbul, I decided to start following the English Premier League on a regular basis. I also decided to start playing football video games and someone recommended on a board that some team called Tottenham was a fun team to play as. As I developed a liking for the team, I started watching summer games on FSC to catch up. I became genuinely enthralled with Spurs and decided that this was one hundred percent the team I was for. To be fair, last year wasn’t exactly a bad year to follow Tottenham. They held 4th for about 7 months only to lose it on the last day due to a mass virus that swept through the starting eleven. Robbie Keane became my favorite footballer because a) he’s Irish, b) he is a great striker, and c) he is simply The Man. The goal against Blackburn in March was a thing of beauty and was my favorite goal of the year.

On to this year. I can only hope that our new big transfers of Didier Zokora and Dimitar Berbatov come good and within the first month. I was rather upset at the loss of Mido (although rumors are rampant that he will return), and Berbatov needs to pick up that slack. As a bit of a tank up front, having speedsters such as Defoe and Keane to run at defenders will allow Berbatov to perhaps gain a bit of space to score some fantastic goals. I also am depending on Keane to continue as the main striker for the full season because he is simply that good so long as he’s fit. Sorry Jermaine, 60th minute substitute duty for you. We’ll give you a run out in the cup competitions though. I still think a returning Mido would give us a lot more options when Spurs get into the fray of UEFA Cup football. Going with 2 different quality strike forces in the same week does not suck. Midfield wise, the departure of Carrick may be a bit of a loss, but that’s why Zokora was brought in. Having a great World Cup gives me confidence that he’ll get it done. Edgar Davids is still a bit of a rover who doesn’t exactly shy away from hard tackles. While others say he’s washed up, I think used in the proper way; he can still be a big asset. Jenas started to piss me off and he needs to get his crap together for this year. He’s good for some free kicks, but every time I see him with the ball, he gets owned by the defender. This bloke better come correct or one Mr. Huddlestone will be all over that spot. Aaron Lennon is the one who I’m looking for to have a monster breakout year. His pace down the right is blinding and when he gains the proper confidence to just own the game, he’ll be considered one of the best in the league. Defense still worries me. Assou-Ekotto didn’t exactly impress me a whole lot from what I saw, but once he adjusts to the pace of the Premiership, I would like to believe he’d be fine. We desperately need Ledley King back to govern the middle. One good thing I notice is that Y.P. Lee is being played in his correct spot, at right back. With Robbo still minding the net, we need not worry too much about that spot. The great Tony Soprano is in charge, and I envision a great year. Prediction: 4th. Much alcohol will be consumed on the final day of the season by yours truly when we clinch a Champions League spot. Or, much alcohol will be consumed by yours truly when we somehow bottle it up again and finish 5th.


Watford: I know precisely dick about this team. But because I am a bit thorough in my research, I promise that by mid season, I will have a quality write up about The Hornets that would make the greatest journalists in the world would shed a tear. Prediction: Bottom.


West Ham United: As part of my newly founded “Adopt a Promoted Team Foundation” I created last year, West Ham was exciting for me to watch as they returned to the Premiership. I took a liking to them throughout the entire season, including a fantastic F.A. Cup Finals run (until they knocked my boys out of 4th. Bastards). Dean Ashton proved an exciting addition in January and became one of my favorite players in the league. Unfortunately for him and the club, he broke his ankle during training and shall now miss everything up to November at the least. Harewood and Zamora are also some great strikers up front and will bag a lot of goals this year. The newly signed Carlton Cole from Chelsea may just prove a stroke of genius with Ashton going down. The midfield is where it’s at on this side, however. Matty Etherington along with Reo-Coker and returning Lee Bowyer should be a formidable one. Now if only they can get Shaun Newton to stop sniffing everything in sight, they can have a complete season with all their players in the middle. I would be remiss if I did not mention Yossi Benayoun, the Israeli right-winger who just exploded onto the scene last year. His ability to spring open his strikers as well as the right back into dangerous positions was absolute class and his finishing was quality as well. Having 2 wingers like Etherington and Benayoun will keep The Hammers in the top half for sure. Defense is where I do question their ability. Anton Ferdinand had a great year to be sure, but Konchesky, Gabbidon, and Dailly didn’t convince me the way Ferdinand did. The transfer of a not quite fit Jonathon Spector should help however, but if they can just keep pace with last season, they’ll be doing well. The goalkeeper situation is a bit tenuous for the time being, with Roy Carroll currently in charge. However, West Ham went out and got Norwich and England keeper Robert Green to take over when he recovers from that ever so painful groin injury. I think boss Alan Pardew is in good shape to take The Hammers even further up the table. Prediction: 6th.

Wigan Athletic: Last year’s promotion darlings are going to be this season’s relegation fodder, in my opinion. They’ve been plucked more times than the rose trellis outside the nearby country club. Losing the likes of Roberts, Bullard, Francis, and Thompson shall be the death knell of Wigan’s Premiership aspirations of staying afloat. Perhaps manager Paul Jewell can get this side to play so far over their heads that their noses bleed for the entire campaign, but I am skeptical. They have made a few good signings over the summer, most notably Chris Kirkland from Liverpool to mind the net. Also, Emile Heskey should help out with the striking situation now that Jason Roberts has left for the sanctuary that is Blackburn Rovers. Their best defender, Paschal Chimbonda, provided he doesn’t go anywhere, will once again have to be the glue that holds that back line together. Overall, this club has been too ravaged from the transfer market to maintain top-flight status. Prediction: 19th. Fare thee well, Wigan. We hardly knew ye.


There it is; my inaugural season preview of the English Premier League. Hope you enjoyed it. And as always, if you don’t agree with it, that is just too damn bad. But, even if you don’t agree, I sincerely hope you liked reading it. There will be more to come in the following 9 months of borderline torture that comes with the ups and downs of following The Premiership. Until next time, this is Mike Stevenson saying; STAND UP IF YOU HATE ARSENAL! STAND UP IF YOU HATE ARSENAL!

England Preview: Part 3

As we continue the wonderful world of the Premiership, 5 more teams come up on my radar. Will anyone crack the top 10? Lets find out.

Middlesbrough: In the wake of Stevie McClaren’s shock move to become England gaffer, the logical choice as a successor would be the usual suspects – Terry Venables, Alan Curbishley, etc. What does chairman Steve Gibson do? He gives the establishment a bit of the ol’ raspberry. Naming former captain and coaching virgin Gareth Southgate is about the least likely thing one might have conjured in their minds when McClaren headed off manage England. In and of itself, I think the move is a decent choice, considering he has the locker room’s respect and is widely known as a pretty good tactician. The downside of this is that many quality players might be hesitant to move to ‘Boro given that an experienced boss is not present. So far, this theory is being proven right with the lack of business in the summer transfer market. As with a number of the teams, I cannot speak intelligently of the players themselves, so I’ll go at this just looking at the unit as a whole. They are extremely average. I can’t say I enjoyed watching a Boro match last year and that is why. Unfortunately, I did not have access to the amazing UEFA Cup run so perhaps some of you may think I’m being harsh as far as their entertainment value. We shall see. Prediction: 12th. Southgate will be a worthy manager, I suspect.


Newcastle United: If you are looking for a club that hasn’t won jack shit since 1955, then this is your team. United just seem to have a black cloud hanging over their heads. Whether it be getting tantalizingly close to a league championship that matters (that 1993 1st Division title doesn’t count) or losing countless FA Cup Finals, nothing can seem to shake this penchant for choking when it counts. Bad luck also seems to follow Newcastle. The boy wonder, Michael Owen, has come back to England to once again rain down goals on the Premiership while playing for The Magpies. Unfortunately, he’ll see less than 2 hours playing time in the entire calendar year of 2006 with the massive injuries he has sustained. This leaves the club woefully short on strikers, as their roster is basically reduced to two up front: Ameobi and Luque. Newcastle is trying to land Obafemi Martins from Inter and Dirk Kuyt from Feyenoord, but have come up short in the bidding and/or negotiations. If they don’t rectify this situation, United is going to have a long, goal-deprived season. One coup that boss Glenn Roeder and Co. have pulled off is the relatively cheap move to bring Chelsea winger Damian Duff to St. James Park. This is a particularly good signing in that it gives Newcastle someone with pace on the left to play opposite of Nolberto Solano on the right wing. This could potentially give Roeder an option of playing a 4-5-1 with either Ameobi or Luque up front with Duff and Solano charging up the flanks. If they can’t get another striker in, this might be their only choice. The back line, however, gives me zero hope with this side. The almost weekly ineptitude displayed by “The 3 B’s,” Babayaro, Bramble, and Boumsong, was embarrassing. Unless they get their proverbial crap together, net minder Shay Given will have another torturous season in goal. Given single handedly kept Newcastle in any sort of a respectable form throughout the year and had my vote as one of the top 3 keepers in the league. I somehow envision an overall consistent season from The Magpies in the end. Prediction: 7th.

Portsmouth: One of the more entertaining stories to follow last season was the departure and return of ‘Appy ‘Arry Redknapp. If you would have asked anybody last November where Pompey was ending up for this season, 99.9% would have said the Coca-Cola Championship. Then, dramatically, as if a light switch were flicked on, Portsmouth, with the return of Redknapp, new signings in the winter transfer market Mendes and Routledge, gained a brand new sense of confidence, which swarmed over the team. It all seemed to take form immediately after the amazing Pedro Mendes volley that beat David James (who joins the club this season) and Man City last March. Amazingly, Pompey ran off one of the best forms in the league over the last month and a half of the season, saving their Premiership life for another season. I think Pompey is primed for a decent year, with the optimism that can only spring from escaping the drop in the manner they did. Prediction: 13th.

Reading/Sheffield United: I’m going to write about these 2 promoted clubs together, because I don’t know an awful lot about them. What I do know is that Reading stormed through the Championship last year the way Sunderland did the year prior. Does this mean Reading will suffer in the Premiership the same way? I doubt it, as The Royal Blue have a decent amount of cash to spend and can make a decent run in the transfer market. I am particularly looking forward to seeing how Americans Bobby Convey and Marcus Hahnemann acquit themselves in the Premier League. They have a real opportunity to really cement the idea that we can play over there just fine. McBride, Bocanegra, and Friedel have been the mantle carriers long enough. Time for some new blood to enter. As far as Reading goes this season, I believe they will be the Wigan of this year. Prediction: 11th. As far as Sheffield United are concerned, I know precisely squat. I do know that boss Neil Warnock is one of the most aggressive, outspoken, maniacal gaffers in the game. The entertainment value from him alone is worth watching this team. As far as the squad goes, I’m not sure they have what it takes to stay up. Prediction: 18th. Relegated on the final day of the season.

Everton thru Mancester United

Everton: The blue half of Merseyside is a rather befuddling one for myself. Two seasons ago, they finished 4th and ended up in the 3rd round of Champions League qualification. Last year, with maybe 1 or 2 people departed, Everton was a massive disappointment. They were destroyed in their Champions League tie against Villarreal, and started their season out slower than a paraplegic in a 100m dash. To say that boss David Moyes’ head was on the block after 4 months of ineptitude is an understatement in my book. I was amazed he survived the winter transfer window. Everton did not get out of the bottom 5 in the table until after the New Year and, as a matter of fact, only spent 1 week in the top 10. Where does this leave them for this year? No better than mid-table in my opinion. The thing is, looking at the squad, they should be pressing for a UEFA Cup spot this year. Adding a quality striker like Andy Johnson from Crystal Palace as well as having James Beattie up there should serve them well, but I do not see any other forwards worth mentioning. McFadden doesn’t do a lot for me and their other two options are straight out of their youth system. Their midfield, however, does look good with Cahill, Arteta, and Neville returning this season. They, along with Beattie, were the bright spots of the team last season and should bring in the majority of goals with Johnson. The defense is the real problem here, with a sieve for a back line. Gary Naysmith and Joseph Yobo are the mainstays on the line, but are average at best for my money. The additions of Joleon Lescott from Wolves and Alan Stubbs from Sunderland may help, but I would not hold my breath if I were an Everton supporter. One thing they did get right was the massive problem at goalkeeper. Nigel Martin is gone, and they felt the need to actually go out and get a quality replacement, such as Manchester United back-up Tim Howard. This is a very good move for the blues and I look him to grow as a player this season. I foresee a permanent move to Everton after this campaign is over. Prediction: 9th. Not sure how I ended up with this conclusion, but they had a quality end of last season and hopefully it will roll over to the beginning of this one. The lack of having any European competition will help them maintain their focus on the league.


Fulham: What fortunes will Cookie Coleman have in the upcoming year? Being odds on favorite to be the first to get sacked, he needs a good quality start and I’m not seeing it. Craven Cottage was a bit of a fortress last year but, unfortunately for Coleman, half of their games have to be played on the road. The away record (or lack there of) was simply shocking. A repeat will surely get Cookie a pink slip and a pat on the ass as he exits the Cottage. A quick glance at the team tells me that they should be comfortably middle of the league with names like Radzinski, Collins John, Boa Morte, Malbranque, Brown and Bullard. However, none of the names I mentioned play at the back, which is a bit of a problem. They are very anemic in defense and although they may score goals, they are likely to let in a few more than they convert. I’m not exactly sold on Mark Crossley in goal, as well. Overall, I believe they are going to flirt with relegation for the majority of the season. Prediction: 17th. My heart will gently weep as one of my favorite managers is terminated.

Chris Coleman?

..............................Shit.

Liverpool: Before I begin my preview of The Pool, a history lesson is in order. No, this is not of Liverpool itself, but of how I became a football fan. I was one of the people who thought football was shit and there was no scoring and nothing happened except a bunch of men in shorts kicking a ball about. Then, by chance, I happened to be off on the day of the Champions League Final and decided to give it a watch. I was transfixed on the couch for 3 hours and after the final shot was blocked in the shootout, I was pretty well interested. Then, about a month later, I discovered I had Fox Soccer Channel. Watching games from the previous season, especially those of Liverpool home games, got me hooked for life. The crowds were nothing like I had ever heard and it made me think, “I want to be a part of this.” After that, I set about on my quest to find a team to support, because I really didn’t want to be a bandwagon fan. That being said, Liverpool are the team I like to see second only to Tottenham. (Clue #2)

On to the team: I love this side for the upcoming Premiership campaign. The width that they have achieved with signings like Gonzalez, Pennant, and Aurelio was sorely needed as well as a proven striker such as Craig Bellamy to actually put balls in the back of the net. Morientes and Cisse were largely busts, but they’re off now, so screw ‘em. J Florent Sinama-Pongolle is back after a successful spell at Blackburn alongside Bellamy as well as the big red giraffe, Peter Crouch. It also seems as Luis Garcia is going to take up a position slightly off of the center forward in a spot where he can do major damage. Add to all of that, a rejuvenated Robbie Fowler, and you have a potentially lethal strike force. The midfield is the bread and butter of The Reds, with Captain Fantastic, Steven Gerrard and a host of other quality players. I won’t make it a secret that Gerrard is my second favorite player as his goals are some of the greatest I have ever seen and have been known to give me the occasional goose bump. (See: Liverpool v. Olympiacos in the Champions League.) Xabi Alonso is usually rather epic in the middle along with the beast known as Momo Sissoko. I do hope that another of my favorite players, Harry Kewell, is able to recover from his injury problems over the summer that prevented him from competing against Italy in the World Cup. To see him come on as a force last year was quite fun to watch. As far as the defense goes, they were one of the best and I cannot see them faltering this season. Hyypia is the man, as is Jaime Carragher while they stifle the any forward coming through the middle. John Arne Riise and his cannon for a left foot has been improving each year and is now one of the best fullbacks in the league. Pepe Reina. What needs to be said about this stone wall in goal? Not only is he a penalty-stopping machine, but also in open play, he is neck and neck with Cech as best in the Premiership. Prediction: 1st time Premier League Champions.

Manchester City: When the biggest story of the summer is how Didi Hamann gave Bolton the ol’ Heisman stiff-arm for a move to City, you aren’t exactly on my radar as top contenders. On a positive note, Stuart Pearce is one of my favorite people in the Premiership. His enthusiasm definitely warrants the continuation of his playing moniker “Psycho.” Sadly, (or not, depending on your point of view) Calamity James is on his way out of Manchester most likely for Portsmouth. The striking situation is pretty decent this season, with the addition of Paul Dickov from Rovers as well as Vassell and Samaras returning from last season. The massive Andy Cole is past his sell by date, but is always good for a few goals. Hamann gives the midfield a lift with Joey Barton, Sibierski, and Stephen Ireland contributing to keeping City in the mediocrity that their fans have become so used to. I cannot speak knowledgably of the back line or who is going to be keeper (some Swede named Isaksson), but there aren’t a whole lot of changes from last year, so I believe quite a few goals will be let in again this season. Prediction: 14th.

Random thought: Perhaps this will be the year that City fans finally give up the notion that they are indeed a “massive club.”

Manchester United: The success of the season in my opinion depends on one thing: Sir Alex Ferguson. His managing style, to say the least, is a bit old fashioned for the new style of football in the 21st century. Not being able to keep the high profile players because he doesn’t get on with them is getting very old very fast at Old Trafford. This latest episode with Ruud Van Horseyface is evidence of his bull-headedness regarding disagreements with his talent. To sacrifice the goal machine that was Ruud out of spite is not how things get done in the business of professional football. I think (and hope) that this is his last year.

The big question going into this season is how in the world are they going to replace all of those goals that left for Real Madrid. Rooney of course is the main option, but he doesn’t do well in a position of having his back to goal. Playing just off of a main striker is where he does his damage. Louis Saha took over Ruud’s spot late last year and did an admirable job, but from what I gather, he is very prone to injury. A returning Ole Gunnar Solskjaer might provide a boost, but at 33, he’s not exactly a spring chicken. They are in desperate need of another quality striker. Rumors are running rampant concerning Adriano from Inter Milan, but it is anyone’s guess on how he would perform in England. Midfield is where United are likely to make their mark against the Prem. A fully fit Alan Smith returns from that horrid injury in the FA Cup last year and I look for him to make quite an impact this season. Scholes, Richardson, and Park Ji-Sung are all quality and Darren Fletches has to improve, doesn’t he? Last, and least, is the one player I absolutely loathe in the Premiership: Cristiano Ronaldo. This douche bag did more to turn me off to a particular player than anyone else in the world. I am still brewing information in my head to be poured out into a column at a later date. Gabriel Heinze should be in good form this year on the back line as well as Gary Neville and Patrice Evra. That leaves Rio “Jamaican National Team Wannabe” Ferdinand. So much talent, yet so much wastefulness. I’ve never seen someone who can be so great, yet make some of the most idiotic moves out on a pitch at the drop of a hat. As usual, Edwin Van Der Sar will be minding the net, and doing a good job of it. Overall, this side looks to be very quality, yet something tells me there is going to be some turmoil surrounding this campaign. Prediction: 5th. At some point in the season, Sir Alex will completely lose the plot and send his team into a downward spiral. Upon hearing news that the board wants him gone, he superglues himself to the manager’s bench in Old Trafford and screams at the top of his lungs, “You want me gone, you Yankee c*nts, you go ahead and take me!”

And We're Off!

The Non-Thinking Fan’s Guide to the English Premier League


A brand new Premiership season is fast approaching, so this is the best time I can think of to introduce myself to you as the average fan’s outlet for a view on the most popular club league in the entire world. I, along with many Americans out there, am still in my formative stages as a borderline rabid football (That’s right, FOOTBALL. The word “soccer” is henceforth banned from my writing) fan. Over the course of this upcoming season, I hope to provide an informative albeit humorous reading experience for anyone who is kind enough to read this. I also look forward to receiving feedback, though sometimes harsh when deserved (Slagging off Arsenal after they lambaste some League 2 side 9-nil in the Carling Cup) and running with it to improve this column as the year progresses.

This inaugural piece will be my random thoughts of each team in the Premiership as the season is about to kick off. Note: Political correctness does not exist in the borders of these pages. There is no diplomacy here. These are my thoughts of the game, and they are extremely biased. “Biased towards whom,” You may ask. If by the end of this article you cannot figure that out, seek help from the nearest doctor and tell him or her very simply, “I have lost the ability to reason.” A number of clues will be dropped along the way to aid everyone in figuring out this massive riddle I have set before you.

Arsenal: Where to begin with this foreign legion? As my mother used to tell me, “If you don’t have anything nice to say, don’t say it at all.” Well Mom, I’m not 9 anymore, and only about 1/8th of what I am about to say is going to be somewhat kind. Thierry Henry is a great footballer, and they should finish top 4 this season. There’s your 1/8th.
I hate Arsenal. (Clue #1.) If you are an Arsenal fan and you become disturbed by what I am about to say, tough. I’ll give credit where credit is due, but as far as singing the praises of TH 14 and the rest of the team as if they are the greatest thing since the advent of porn (thanks, wherever you are), not going to happen. Not on this day, not on any day. Only one man pisses me off more than their manager, Arsene “Welluh, welluh, I did not see it” Wenger, and I’ll get to that S.O.B in another couple of teams. The hissy fit Wenger threw at Martin Jol last year when Tottenham scored a goal after 2 Arsenal players clattered into each other was disgraceful. That set me over the top against this guy. From some of the stories I’ve read of Wenger, he hasn’t had the most sterling of records when it comes to sportsmanship in situations of injured players on the pitch. (Oh yeah, it is called a pitch, not a field) The accepted rule of thumb goes: If an injury occurs on the pitch, you kick the ball out in order for him to receive treatment. For the most part, this usually happens when opposing players collide or perhaps a player pulls a hamstring, etc, etc. When your own players run into each other, tough shit. Teach them to stay out each other’s way and you’ll not have that problem. Sorry, a bit of rambling there, I know, but what are you going to do? I call it as I see it. Oh yeah, one more thing before I get to the team itself. Osama Bin Laden is a massive Arsenal supporter. Proud of that, you Gunners? Any main rival better double check the structural supports of their stadium a week or so in advance of a big game for homemade dynamite and listening for random shouts of jihads. I realize that was in poor taste, but it’s my column, so who cares?

As far as the actual squad goes, they look a quality side again this year. The major loss will be Ashley Cole at left back as he appears on his way to Chelsea. Bringing in Czech star Tomas Rosicky is a step in the right direction as he adds a bit of striking prowess to a midfield that was devoid of goals last season. TH 14 will still be the man, as he is every year, but I look for Van Persie to become a major force this year as well as Adebayor. The back line concerns me. Wait. Let me rephrase that. The back line looks very pleasing to me as they have a few injury problems back there (Sendeross most notably) and one very big moving to another team problem (Ashley Cole). Hopefully it will be enough to let in quite a few goals and they can christen their new stadium with a 5th place finish. Sadly, I don’t think that will happen. Prediction: 3rd.

Aston Villa: Good news Villa fans. This year, you will undoubtedly be the kings of Birmingham. Don’t let that go to your heads, as you have zero competition for that mantle next season. I am still befuddled as to why Martin O’Neil took that job. Perhaps he was bored and just wanted to manage again. Perhaps he saw something in Villa’s potential. I personally think he has a hard-on for sadomasochism. Why else would O’Neil make his glorious return to football in a position that breeds mental illness? Just look at David O’Leary last year. For about 7 months, he was reduced to 5 words and 5 words only: “I don’t have any money.” Villa turned him into “Rainman,” without the intelligence. Can Martin hack it? I think anyone who has gone through what he has with his wife has the heart (and stones) to handle this situation. Unfortunately, Villa isn’t exactly the happiest place on earth. He has inherited a fan base that encompasses what is widely regarded as the most miserable humans ever to attend a match. Somehow the word grim doesn’t do this situation any justice.
Notice I haven’t said much about the squad itself. What is there to say, really? To borrow a line from Eddie Izzard; It is the cutting edge of football done in an extraordinarily boring way. Aston Villa does for me what women do for George Michael. Absolutely nothing. Prediction: 15th. Before O’Neil came to the rescue on his drunken white horse (he IS Irish, after all) I would have said they were going down. The Martin factor itself should keep them up now, all the while pressing up against that glass ceiling of respectability.

Blackburn Rovers: News flash! I have almost nothing bad to say about Rovers. I know it has taken a couple of clubs, but this will be my first positive preview. Manchester United legend Mark Hughes has done a quality job leading this perennial mid to lower table team to become a force in the Premiership. I can guarantee no club wants to play Blackburn this season, right United? As far as this season goes, they will have to make a concerted effort to replace the goals that left with the forever-goofy looking Craig Bellamy. Rovers have brought in Jason Roberts from Wigan to step in as well as Francis Jeffers who is a bit of an unknown commodity. The man I am particularly fond of on this side is one Morton Gamst-Pederson. One of the breakout stars of the Prem last year, Pederson showed a flash and pace that most defenders could not handle. He also has an eye for goal that most people only dream of. Pederson made the most acute angle look ridiculously easy as he blazed shots past the ear of more than one world-class keeper. Expect more of the same this year as Blackburn are sure to remain a tough opponent for anyone. The main question is if they can handle the stress of the UEFA Cup in addition to the Premiership. Time will tell, but I can’t see them finishing in a European spot this season. Prediction: 8th. Random forecast: Robbie Savage will get 3 straight red cards this year while telling everyone within shouting distance “Red card my ass! I got the ball way before I took that chunk out of his leg.”

Bolton Wanderers: The fate of Bolton depends greatly on the shoulders of one man: Sam Allardyce. Super Sam, in my opinion, guided a 10th-15th place team to 8th last year in the Premier League. Sam’s ability to get the best out of his players is second to none and Bolton’s performance last season is a testament to that. For the upcoming campaign, an even greater performance by this team is going to be required just to hold position. Standout midfielder, Kevin Nolan, is going to be charged with achieving another quality season. Nolan, the captain, is in my mind the best of the unheralded midfielders in England. Nobody really mentions him in their conversations of who the best are; yet the job he did last season earns him a nod in my book (or column as the case may be). I look for him to step it up again, and provide more than his share of magic. My biggest question about Wanderers is their strike force. Unless Sam finally decides to finally play Jared Borgetti on a consistent basis, they are going to be stuck with about 2 real quality strikers: Kevin Davies and El-Hadji Diouf. Davies isn’t exactly a household name yet, and Diouf is very inconsistent. For this reason alone, I don’t expect a repeat of last season. Prediction: 10th.

Charlton Athletic: Again, this is my article, so I can say what is on my mind. Why does this team exist? To me, they are the most nothing club in the Premiership. Every year is the same: Start out with guns blazing only to crash and burn after a few months time and end up mid table or worse. Can ex Crystal Palace boss Ian Dowie reverse the fortunes of the annual snooze fest that is Charlton? Not likely in my mind. The lone bright spot to me is Darren Bent, who it pains me to see playing on such a drab club. The addition of Jimmy Floyd-Hasslebaink should improve Bent further this year, but it will not be enough for the rest of the team. Prediction: After winning their first 13 games, Charlton does their usual nosedive and lose the rest of their matches, but narrowly avoid relegation. 16th.

Chelsea: Another team I am not too fond of. As a lifelong fan of sports teams who don’t have the resources to buy everything in sight like someone with OCD who just won the lottery, I cannot get behind this Johnny come lately in the battle for best in England. Before big daddy Roman bought the club, they were in a position of battling for “best of the rest” behind Manchester United, Arsenal, and Liverpool. Fast-forward 3 years. Magically, they have become the dominant force in England. They buy pretty much whoever they want with riches that would make Solomon revolve in his grave. Where I will give them credit is having the ability to make it work. “The Special One,” Jose Mourinho, has a knack for creating a team unity amongst the best in the world that Real Madrid and their Galacticos theory could never achieve. You can have all the best players in the world, but if they do not play as one team, it simply won’t work. In that respect, Mourinho is one of the best on the planet. Where I simply cannot stand the S.O.B. is his constant whining and complaining about any slight against his poor little club. This ultra egomaniac takes defeat about as graceful as a one-legged ice skater. His ability to defend the actions of his team when there is no way possible he can be anything BUT wrong is laughable. Never mind when they actually lose. The shock of it! It is always someone else’s fault. “My team wasn’t fully fit. The referee was disgraceful. Robben got a bogus red card. I didn’t wear my lucky Technicolor Dream Coat.” You get the point.

Now that that rant is out of the way, I shall concentrate on the team. WOW! To simply add players like Shevchenko, Ballack, Obi Mikel, and more than likely, Ashley Cole at the drop of a hat to an already dominant team does not suck. Mix in last year’s amazing side including Lampard, Terry, Essien, Makelele, Drogba, Ferreira, and Cech, any sane person would put them as massive favorites to win the Premiership this season. I, however, am not sane in the traditional sense of the word as it relates to football. I like to predict the unexpected, and what I predict this season is the unfamiliar experience of demoralization that usually befalls many teams in the Premiership over the course of a season to one major component: Injuries. Chelsea have been very lucky over their championship runs due to extremely good fortune with the lack of major injuries. Lady luck may not be smiling on them as in years past with the injuries of Joe Cole in the MLS All-Star Game and Michael Ballack, who went out of the Community Shield match with a hip problem. This potentially damaging stroke of bad luck might be what other teams need to finally overthrow the Chelski Empire in the coming months. Come to think of it, it may be the only way. Prediction: 2nd. What I hope to happen: Jose Mourinho’s ego may actually eat his own body this year, causing Chelsea to turn to the newly departed England manager, Sven-Goran Eriksson who does what he does best. Creating an extraordinarily average team out of a collection of amazing players.

Stay Tuned over the next week as I preview the rest of the Premiership. I promise, the majority of my wrath is out of the way.