Down To The Wire.

My first official season following the summer transfer window can best be summed up by 1 word. Nerve-racking. Wait. Is that supposed to be 2 words? Ahh, who cares? Anyway, after a start fit for Sunderland fans, I was actually losing sleep over whether or not Spurs would use that 15mil they got for Carrick (haha) to go out and really improve this squad of underachievers.

May: Sure, the summer window starts out well enough, signing Dimitar Berbatov from Leverkusen right off the bat, but with Mido toddling back off to Rome, it was a must and not a huge surprise for me. Soon after, the rumblings from up north in Manchester started concerning our beloved Michael Carrick. Surely Spurs won't sell him. They'd have to be truly daft to sell our midfield linchpin. Nah, Jol won't be that stupid. I decide that is just United being United and pay it no mind heading into the World Cup. Stress Level on a scale from 1 to 10: 1. Pissed Off level due to losing 4th place: 10.5

June: Ahh, the pageantry and splendor (see: diving and cheating) that is the World Cup. Pretty quiet on the transfer market during the group stages as one might expect. Suddenly, right around the knockout stage, I hear about Spurs signing this Ivory Coast midfielder Didier Zokora. Who? What? Why? I do some investigating. Apparently nicknamed "The Maestro," he has been called one of the top holding midfielders in the world. Holding midfielder.............My lack of football knowledge is preventing me from figuring out that they........... HEY WAIT A MINUTE! THEY CAN'T SELL CARRICK! SACRILEGIOUS, TO BE SURE! ONE OF THE 3 TOP REASONS WE HELD 4TH FOR 3/4 OF THE SEASON! Immediately after this epiphany, I go into a temporary sulk that even Nicholas Anelka himself would be proud of. Granted, I haven't seen Zokora play and am now cursing myself or not paying better attention to that ever important Ivory Coast V. Serbia & Montenegro match, but what the hell is really going on here? I immediately go into denial mode. Is he there to take over when Carrick eventually moves on? Is he going to take over for Edgar Davids? Dear god let him replace Jermaine Jenas. (Sorry, but I had to get a Jenas dig in here somewhere.) Of course, Spurs might have just brought him in to reinforce the squad for their UEFA Cup run this season. "Yeah, that's it," I daftly reassure myself, as I try to ignore the Eye of Sauron-like gaze that glares from the evil land of Manchester directly on my Mikey Carrick. As June draws to a close, I see some strange names on the transfer list at Tottenham, all of whom appear to be French. Who the hell is Dorian Dervitte? What's up with Benoit Assou-Ekotto? I wasn't aware that a mandate came down from the board at Spurs to become Arsenal. So it comes to pass that June ends and I'm not impressed with the players we've brought in. Again, It is June and I am still learning about other leagues and other players in world football. Keep that in mind before you call me a twat for not being hyped up that Berbatov and Zokora have come to the Lane. Stress Level: A calm 3.14

July: July for me becomes what escaping from a maximum security prison is for inmates. Unbearable false hope. The World Cup comes to an end with the headbutt heard around the world and the tighty whiteys seen around the world. Dear God, Gattuso. You're Italian for Christ's sake. Can you at least have the sense of style stereotypical of your people to put on some fancy boxer briefs or even a banana hammock on in the off-chance you win the World Cup and decide to bare your nickers to about a billion people? Sorry about that. A bit off topic. Anyway, A week or two passes by and I find that we have come in for a nice little bid on Pascal Chimbonda of Wigan fame. Apparently my little snarky remark about us becoming Arsenal last month might come to fruition. Although, I am excited about this transfer as Chimbonda proved to be a bit of a beast on Wigan's back line. Anyone who read my preview knows how I feel about Spurs' defense. Having Pascal to shore up the back 4 should prevent the myriad (good word usage. *high five*) of goals let in during injury time last season from happening again this year. We come in for about 2.5mil to buy Chimbonda and after a bit of teasing, Paul Jewell decides that our bid is rather insulting. Apparently, Jewell decides to become Monty Hall and declares for the world to hear that the Frenchman is actually worth somewhere in the neighborhood of 6mil. HA! Does that dissuade our beloved board from coming back with another lowball bid? Of course not. In true Yiddo fashion, we retort with a rather contemptuous 3.5mil. Apparently we have underestimated Wigan's resolution to hold firm as 6mil as they laugh in our face and, for good measure, moon us as if they were a 17 year old with their ass hanging out of a car window. All hope seems to be lost as far as I am concerned. Dammit, we need someone worth a toss to get our back line in order.

Then, out of nowhere, I hear on World Soccer Daily from Steven "The Oracle" Cohen that we're in for Damien Duff. Happy days are here again! I actually feel a flutter in the old ticker as thoughts of Lennon and Duff torturing defenses around the league gleefully dance in my head. I even manage to put it out of my mind that this is Tottenham we're talking about and somehow we'll find away to bottle it up. Sure enough, in true Yiddo fashion, they decide they don't want to pay over 40k a week and even want Chelsea to share in some of the expense. Are you kidding me? We're going to haggle over a few thousand pounds and waste a glorious opportunity to bring a quality left winger to White Hart Lane? I have officially become downtrodden. My hopes are officially dashed when Duff becomes a Barcode in the northeast for half of what we were going to pay for him. A bit of a slap in the face by Chelsea, but I can't blame them too much. Spurs did look like some cheap bastards in this deal. A serious surgery is in need for the ones making transfer decision so we can remove their heads from their asses. And just to complete this month of torture and anguish, it looks like Man Utd are going to get Carrick afterall. I silently weep. It sure would be nice to get a decent chunk of cash for him. Perhaps our haggling ability will work in our favor for once. 8 or 9 mil would be about all I expect, but I'm sure we can go out and sign a decent player or two for that amount. July comes to a close. I pine for a transfer kitty like Chelsea have so these money issues that our lovely board of Yids won't piss away our ability to sign the players we need. I'm not talking about getting a Kaka or a Shevchenko, but Damien Duff was certainly in our range as was Chimbonda. I begin to wonder if our team is kind of like the guy on the street who flashes a wad of cash that exists of 1 $100 bill wrapped around a bunch of $1 bills. So frustrating. Stress Level: Creeping up to a solid 7. Feeling like a prat for supporting these cheap bastards.

August: Ok guys, this is it. One month to figure out how the hell to attain the players we need to make a solid run at 4th this year. And what a crackin' start we get off to:

"Yesh. Hello Gareth. I wush vundering, ummmmmmmmm. Any chance you vuld give ush Shtewart Downing? Yesh?"

"Piss off, Goldmember."

So, that went well. Apparently, pursing and ultimately not getting Damien Duff sent out red flags that we were really in need of a left winger. Most of our forthcoming inquiries of other wingers were met with increased transfer fees and the message that if we want our prized midfield replacement, we're going to pay out the ass for him. And, in true Spurs fashion, after yet another lowball bid, our efforts to retain the services of England international and Steve McClaren lapdog Stewart Downing were rebuffed. Soon after, my fear that Mordor (err Manchester United) would claim Michael Carrick was realized. Yet, I couldn't help but be happy about how the whole thing went down. Happy, you ask? How could someone who just 2 months ago all but pledged his allegiance to Carrick as if he were the end-all be-all of the midfield say he is happy about the transfer? Well boys and girls, it is very simple. 18.6mil for him. That is right. 18.6mil. Apparently, United was more desperate to get a midfielder than we are. To recap, we bought Carrick from West Ham for about 3 mil. We sell him for 18mil. Finally, the financial acumen that accompanies the stereotype of our team works for us. Woohoo! And what do we do with our new found riches? We tack a whopping 100k more onto the previous 3.5mil bid for Pascal Chimbonda. That of course requires the inevitable quotes from Wigan that include the words: insulting, pathetic, and my personal favorite, cheap bastards. Ok, that last one was mine, but it is how I'm feeling at the moment. For crying out loud, loosen the death grip you have on the wallet and dole out the extra 2.5 mil and call it a day. It is in this moment that I have a revelation. They are doing this on purpose to screw with me. Why else is this happening? Are they that cheap? Or is it just business savvy? Time will tell.

By the time the kickoff of the Premiership rolls around, rumors are rampant. Obafemi Martins? Stewart Downing? Pascal Chimbonda? Who will we get? More importantly, who won't we get because Mr. Daniel Levy wants to roll around naked in bed with his 18mil from the Carrick deal. For some daft reason, I convince myself that we'll be fine with the players we've got right before the game around 12:15pm EST. On 20 Aug. 15 minutes and 2 goals later, I decide that we're screwed. Undoubtedly, Martin Jol was of the same opinion. I could have sworn I saw him break out his celly in the 80th minute and whisper sweet nothings into Gareth Southgate's ear trying to persuade him to give up Downing. My own personal feelings after the game were clear as day in my mind. We need width in a bad bad way. Spurs feel the same way, and offer 8mil for Downing. One problem. They've repeatedly said they want 9 or 10. Our reply? 8. Quality stuff, gentlemen. While you're at it, just give 'em the finger. In the following days, we turn our attention to a Bulgarian by the name of Petrov who is also a left winger. This pleases me, as Berbatov would have a quality player to help with service the ball to him and also have someone to talk to about whatever Bulgarians talk about. The Eastern Bloc? I dunno. Of course, that doesn't happen as it was most likely a ploy to get the price on Downing lowered. Apparently 'Boro have I.Q.'s over 79 and see right through this. After a convincing half of football against Sheffield United, my fears are a bit lowered and think to myself; Nawww we're good. I should have initiated a moron alert on myself concerning this line of thinking. It was Sheffield United for crying out loud. This of course comes back to bite me on the ass as we lose to a 10 man Everton 2-0 while displaying a heartless and impotent performance. Stress Level: A Red Alert 10! Hair is falling out and fingernails are no more. Something needs to change or someone needs to be whacked!

That something that needed to change just happened to be the return of someone who I felt was vital to the success of Spurs: Mido! There's only 1 Mido! There's only 1 Mido! My favorite Egyptian has returned after we managed to buy him from Roma permanently. After a month of feeling like an ass for supporting a team who was too damn cheap to buy anyone decent, I feel a sense of redemption and hope for my club. More good news comes. Steed Malbranque (left sided midfielder here, Spurs) is allowed to move from Fulham negating Cookie Coleman's mandate that he will sit on the bench all year rather than be sold. In shocking news, Spurs trump West Ham's bid and Malbranque is on his way to The Lane. 2 signings in 1 week? Surely nobody can live at that speed! On deadline day, I wake up to some glorious news. The courtship of Pascal Chimbonda has finally culminated with a full on union of cash to Wigan for Frenchman to Spurs bliss. My faith has henceforth been restored in my club as we have done some amazing business to get some massive upgrades in the squad. Granted, the road to my revival of confidence was rocky, but it all worked out in the end? I knew they'd get all these deals done. No problem. After all, we're Spurs! Stress Level: How I feel after amazing sex: Zero.