And We're Off!

The Non-Thinking Fan’s Guide to the English Premier League


A brand new Premiership season is fast approaching, so this is the best time I can think of to introduce myself to you as the average fan’s outlet for a view on the most popular club league in the entire world. I, along with many Americans out there, am still in my formative stages as a borderline rabid football (That’s right, FOOTBALL. The word “soccer” is henceforth banned from my writing) fan. Over the course of this upcoming season, I hope to provide an informative albeit humorous reading experience for anyone who is kind enough to read this. I also look forward to receiving feedback, though sometimes harsh when deserved (Slagging off Arsenal after they lambaste some League 2 side 9-nil in the Carling Cup) and running with it to improve this column as the year progresses.

This inaugural piece will be my random thoughts of each team in the Premiership as the season is about to kick off. Note: Political correctness does not exist in the borders of these pages. There is no diplomacy here. These are my thoughts of the game, and they are extremely biased. “Biased towards whom,” You may ask. If by the end of this article you cannot figure that out, seek help from the nearest doctor and tell him or her very simply, “I have lost the ability to reason.” A number of clues will be dropped along the way to aid everyone in figuring out this massive riddle I have set before you.

Arsenal: Where to begin with this foreign legion? As my mother used to tell me, “If you don’t have anything nice to say, don’t say it at all.” Well Mom, I’m not 9 anymore, and only about 1/8th of what I am about to say is going to be somewhat kind. Thierry Henry is a great footballer, and they should finish top 4 this season. There’s your 1/8th.
I hate Arsenal. (Clue #1.) If you are an Arsenal fan and you become disturbed by what I am about to say, tough. I’ll give credit where credit is due, but as far as singing the praises of TH 14 and the rest of the team as if they are the greatest thing since the advent of porn (thanks, wherever you are), not going to happen. Not on this day, not on any day. Only one man pisses me off more than their manager, Arsene “Welluh, welluh, I did not see it” Wenger, and I’ll get to that S.O.B in another couple of teams. The hissy fit Wenger threw at Martin Jol last year when Tottenham scored a goal after 2 Arsenal players clattered into each other was disgraceful. That set me over the top against this guy. From some of the stories I’ve read of Wenger, he hasn’t had the most sterling of records when it comes to sportsmanship in situations of injured players on the pitch. (Oh yeah, it is called a pitch, not a field) The accepted rule of thumb goes: If an injury occurs on the pitch, you kick the ball out in order for him to receive treatment. For the most part, this usually happens when opposing players collide or perhaps a player pulls a hamstring, etc, etc. When your own players run into each other, tough shit. Teach them to stay out each other’s way and you’ll not have that problem. Sorry, a bit of rambling there, I know, but what are you going to do? I call it as I see it. Oh yeah, one more thing before I get to the team itself. Osama Bin Laden is a massive Arsenal supporter. Proud of that, you Gunners? Any main rival better double check the structural supports of their stadium a week or so in advance of a big game for homemade dynamite and listening for random shouts of jihads. I realize that was in poor taste, but it’s my column, so who cares?

As far as the actual squad goes, they look a quality side again this year. The major loss will be Ashley Cole at left back as he appears on his way to Chelsea. Bringing in Czech star Tomas Rosicky is a step in the right direction as he adds a bit of striking prowess to a midfield that was devoid of goals last season. TH 14 will still be the man, as he is every year, but I look for Van Persie to become a major force this year as well as Adebayor. The back line concerns me. Wait. Let me rephrase that. The back line looks very pleasing to me as they have a few injury problems back there (Sendeross most notably) and one very big moving to another team problem (Ashley Cole). Hopefully it will be enough to let in quite a few goals and they can christen their new stadium with a 5th place finish. Sadly, I don’t think that will happen. Prediction: 3rd.

Aston Villa: Good news Villa fans. This year, you will undoubtedly be the kings of Birmingham. Don’t let that go to your heads, as you have zero competition for that mantle next season. I am still befuddled as to why Martin O’Neil took that job. Perhaps he was bored and just wanted to manage again. Perhaps he saw something in Villa’s potential. I personally think he has a hard-on for sadomasochism. Why else would O’Neil make his glorious return to football in a position that breeds mental illness? Just look at David O’Leary last year. For about 7 months, he was reduced to 5 words and 5 words only: “I don’t have any money.” Villa turned him into “Rainman,” without the intelligence. Can Martin hack it? I think anyone who has gone through what he has with his wife has the heart (and stones) to handle this situation. Unfortunately, Villa isn’t exactly the happiest place on earth. He has inherited a fan base that encompasses what is widely regarded as the most miserable humans ever to attend a match. Somehow the word grim doesn’t do this situation any justice.
Notice I haven’t said much about the squad itself. What is there to say, really? To borrow a line from Eddie Izzard; It is the cutting edge of football done in an extraordinarily boring way. Aston Villa does for me what women do for George Michael. Absolutely nothing. Prediction: 15th. Before O’Neil came to the rescue on his drunken white horse (he IS Irish, after all) I would have said they were going down. The Martin factor itself should keep them up now, all the while pressing up against that glass ceiling of respectability.

Blackburn Rovers: News flash! I have almost nothing bad to say about Rovers. I know it has taken a couple of clubs, but this will be my first positive preview. Manchester United legend Mark Hughes has done a quality job leading this perennial mid to lower table team to become a force in the Premiership. I can guarantee no club wants to play Blackburn this season, right United? As far as this season goes, they will have to make a concerted effort to replace the goals that left with the forever-goofy looking Craig Bellamy. Rovers have brought in Jason Roberts from Wigan to step in as well as Francis Jeffers who is a bit of an unknown commodity. The man I am particularly fond of on this side is one Morton Gamst-Pederson. One of the breakout stars of the Prem last year, Pederson showed a flash and pace that most defenders could not handle. He also has an eye for goal that most people only dream of. Pederson made the most acute angle look ridiculously easy as he blazed shots past the ear of more than one world-class keeper. Expect more of the same this year as Blackburn are sure to remain a tough opponent for anyone. The main question is if they can handle the stress of the UEFA Cup in addition to the Premiership. Time will tell, but I can’t see them finishing in a European spot this season. Prediction: 8th. Random forecast: Robbie Savage will get 3 straight red cards this year while telling everyone within shouting distance “Red card my ass! I got the ball way before I took that chunk out of his leg.”

Bolton Wanderers: The fate of Bolton depends greatly on the shoulders of one man: Sam Allardyce. Super Sam, in my opinion, guided a 10th-15th place team to 8th last year in the Premier League. Sam’s ability to get the best out of his players is second to none and Bolton’s performance last season is a testament to that. For the upcoming campaign, an even greater performance by this team is going to be required just to hold position. Standout midfielder, Kevin Nolan, is going to be charged with achieving another quality season. Nolan, the captain, is in my mind the best of the unheralded midfielders in England. Nobody really mentions him in their conversations of who the best are; yet the job he did last season earns him a nod in my book (or column as the case may be). I look for him to step it up again, and provide more than his share of magic. My biggest question about Wanderers is their strike force. Unless Sam finally decides to finally play Jared Borgetti on a consistent basis, they are going to be stuck with about 2 real quality strikers: Kevin Davies and El-Hadji Diouf. Davies isn’t exactly a household name yet, and Diouf is very inconsistent. For this reason alone, I don’t expect a repeat of last season. Prediction: 10th.

Charlton Athletic: Again, this is my article, so I can say what is on my mind. Why does this team exist? To me, they are the most nothing club in the Premiership. Every year is the same: Start out with guns blazing only to crash and burn after a few months time and end up mid table or worse. Can ex Crystal Palace boss Ian Dowie reverse the fortunes of the annual snooze fest that is Charlton? Not likely in my mind. The lone bright spot to me is Darren Bent, who it pains me to see playing on such a drab club. The addition of Jimmy Floyd-Hasslebaink should improve Bent further this year, but it will not be enough for the rest of the team. Prediction: After winning their first 13 games, Charlton does their usual nosedive and lose the rest of their matches, but narrowly avoid relegation. 16th.

Chelsea: Another team I am not too fond of. As a lifelong fan of sports teams who don’t have the resources to buy everything in sight like someone with OCD who just won the lottery, I cannot get behind this Johnny come lately in the battle for best in England. Before big daddy Roman bought the club, they were in a position of battling for “best of the rest” behind Manchester United, Arsenal, and Liverpool. Fast-forward 3 years. Magically, they have become the dominant force in England. They buy pretty much whoever they want with riches that would make Solomon revolve in his grave. Where I will give them credit is having the ability to make it work. “The Special One,” Jose Mourinho, has a knack for creating a team unity amongst the best in the world that Real Madrid and their Galacticos theory could never achieve. You can have all the best players in the world, but if they do not play as one team, it simply won’t work. In that respect, Mourinho is one of the best on the planet. Where I simply cannot stand the S.O.B. is his constant whining and complaining about any slight against his poor little club. This ultra egomaniac takes defeat about as graceful as a one-legged ice skater. His ability to defend the actions of his team when there is no way possible he can be anything BUT wrong is laughable. Never mind when they actually lose. The shock of it! It is always someone else’s fault. “My team wasn’t fully fit. The referee was disgraceful. Robben got a bogus red card. I didn’t wear my lucky Technicolor Dream Coat.” You get the point.

Now that that rant is out of the way, I shall concentrate on the team. WOW! To simply add players like Shevchenko, Ballack, Obi Mikel, and more than likely, Ashley Cole at the drop of a hat to an already dominant team does not suck. Mix in last year’s amazing side including Lampard, Terry, Essien, Makelele, Drogba, Ferreira, and Cech, any sane person would put them as massive favorites to win the Premiership this season. I, however, am not sane in the traditional sense of the word as it relates to football. I like to predict the unexpected, and what I predict this season is the unfamiliar experience of demoralization that usually befalls many teams in the Premiership over the course of a season to one major component: Injuries. Chelsea have been very lucky over their championship runs due to extremely good fortune with the lack of major injuries. Lady luck may not be smiling on them as in years past with the injuries of Joe Cole in the MLS All-Star Game and Michael Ballack, who went out of the Community Shield match with a hip problem. This potentially damaging stroke of bad luck might be what other teams need to finally overthrow the Chelski Empire in the coming months. Come to think of it, it may be the only way. Prediction: 2nd. What I hope to happen: Jose Mourinho’s ego may actually eat his own body this year, causing Chelsea to turn to the newly departed England manager, Sven-Goran Eriksson who does what he does best. Creating an extraordinarily average team out of a collection of amazing players.

Stay Tuned over the next week as I preview the rest of the Premiership. I promise, the majority of my wrath is out of the way.