Everton thru Mancester United

Everton: The blue half of Merseyside is a rather befuddling one for myself. Two seasons ago, they finished 4th and ended up in the 3rd round of Champions League qualification. Last year, with maybe 1 or 2 people departed, Everton was a massive disappointment. They were destroyed in their Champions League tie against Villarreal, and started their season out slower than a paraplegic in a 100m dash. To say that boss David Moyes’ head was on the block after 4 months of ineptitude is an understatement in my book. I was amazed he survived the winter transfer window. Everton did not get out of the bottom 5 in the table until after the New Year and, as a matter of fact, only spent 1 week in the top 10. Where does this leave them for this year? No better than mid-table in my opinion. The thing is, looking at the squad, they should be pressing for a UEFA Cup spot this year. Adding a quality striker like Andy Johnson from Crystal Palace as well as having James Beattie up there should serve them well, but I do not see any other forwards worth mentioning. McFadden doesn’t do a lot for me and their other two options are straight out of their youth system. Their midfield, however, does look good with Cahill, Arteta, and Neville returning this season. They, along with Beattie, were the bright spots of the team last season and should bring in the majority of goals with Johnson. The defense is the real problem here, with a sieve for a back line. Gary Naysmith and Joseph Yobo are the mainstays on the line, but are average at best for my money. The additions of Joleon Lescott from Wolves and Alan Stubbs from Sunderland may help, but I would not hold my breath if I were an Everton supporter. One thing they did get right was the massive problem at goalkeeper. Nigel Martin is gone, and they felt the need to actually go out and get a quality replacement, such as Manchester United back-up Tim Howard. This is a very good move for the blues and I look him to grow as a player this season. I foresee a permanent move to Everton after this campaign is over. Prediction: 9th. Not sure how I ended up with this conclusion, but they had a quality end of last season and hopefully it will roll over to the beginning of this one. The lack of having any European competition will help them maintain their focus on the league.


Fulham: What fortunes will Cookie Coleman have in the upcoming year? Being odds on favorite to be the first to get sacked, he needs a good quality start and I’m not seeing it. Craven Cottage was a bit of a fortress last year but, unfortunately for Coleman, half of their games have to be played on the road. The away record (or lack there of) was simply shocking. A repeat will surely get Cookie a pink slip and a pat on the ass as he exits the Cottage. A quick glance at the team tells me that they should be comfortably middle of the league with names like Radzinski, Collins John, Boa Morte, Malbranque, Brown and Bullard. However, none of the names I mentioned play at the back, which is a bit of a problem. They are very anemic in defense and although they may score goals, they are likely to let in a few more than they convert. I’m not exactly sold on Mark Crossley in goal, as well. Overall, I believe they are going to flirt with relegation for the majority of the season. Prediction: 17th. My heart will gently weep as one of my favorite managers is terminated.

Chris Coleman?

..............................Shit.

Liverpool: Before I begin my preview of The Pool, a history lesson is in order. No, this is not of Liverpool itself, but of how I became a football fan. I was one of the people who thought football was shit and there was no scoring and nothing happened except a bunch of men in shorts kicking a ball about. Then, by chance, I happened to be off on the day of the Champions League Final and decided to give it a watch. I was transfixed on the couch for 3 hours and after the final shot was blocked in the shootout, I was pretty well interested. Then, about a month later, I discovered I had Fox Soccer Channel. Watching games from the previous season, especially those of Liverpool home games, got me hooked for life. The crowds were nothing like I had ever heard and it made me think, “I want to be a part of this.” After that, I set about on my quest to find a team to support, because I really didn’t want to be a bandwagon fan. That being said, Liverpool are the team I like to see second only to Tottenham. (Clue #2)

On to the team: I love this side for the upcoming Premiership campaign. The width that they have achieved with signings like Gonzalez, Pennant, and Aurelio was sorely needed as well as a proven striker such as Craig Bellamy to actually put balls in the back of the net. Morientes and Cisse were largely busts, but they’re off now, so screw ‘em. J Florent Sinama-Pongolle is back after a successful spell at Blackburn alongside Bellamy as well as the big red giraffe, Peter Crouch. It also seems as Luis Garcia is going to take up a position slightly off of the center forward in a spot where he can do major damage. Add to all of that, a rejuvenated Robbie Fowler, and you have a potentially lethal strike force. The midfield is the bread and butter of The Reds, with Captain Fantastic, Steven Gerrard and a host of other quality players. I won’t make it a secret that Gerrard is my second favorite player as his goals are some of the greatest I have ever seen and have been known to give me the occasional goose bump. (See: Liverpool v. Olympiacos in the Champions League.) Xabi Alonso is usually rather epic in the middle along with the beast known as Momo Sissoko. I do hope that another of my favorite players, Harry Kewell, is able to recover from his injury problems over the summer that prevented him from competing against Italy in the World Cup. To see him come on as a force last year was quite fun to watch. As far as the defense goes, they were one of the best and I cannot see them faltering this season. Hyypia is the man, as is Jaime Carragher while they stifle the any forward coming through the middle. John Arne Riise and his cannon for a left foot has been improving each year and is now one of the best fullbacks in the league. Pepe Reina. What needs to be said about this stone wall in goal? Not only is he a penalty-stopping machine, but also in open play, he is neck and neck with Cech as best in the Premiership. Prediction: 1st time Premier League Champions.

Manchester City: When the biggest story of the summer is how Didi Hamann gave Bolton the ol’ Heisman stiff-arm for a move to City, you aren’t exactly on my radar as top contenders. On a positive note, Stuart Pearce is one of my favorite people in the Premiership. His enthusiasm definitely warrants the continuation of his playing moniker “Psycho.” Sadly, (or not, depending on your point of view) Calamity James is on his way out of Manchester most likely for Portsmouth. The striking situation is pretty decent this season, with the addition of Paul Dickov from Rovers as well as Vassell and Samaras returning from last season. The massive Andy Cole is past his sell by date, but is always good for a few goals. Hamann gives the midfield a lift with Joey Barton, Sibierski, and Stephen Ireland contributing to keeping City in the mediocrity that their fans have become so used to. I cannot speak knowledgably of the back line or who is going to be keeper (some Swede named Isaksson), but there aren’t a whole lot of changes from last year, so I believe quite a few goals will be let in again this season. Prediction: 14th.

Random thought: Perhaps this will be the year that City fans finally give up the notion that they are indeed a “massive club.”

Manchester United: The success of the season in my opinion depends on one thing: Sir Alex Ferguson. His managing style, to say the least, is a bit old fashioned for the new style of football in the 21st century. Not being able to keep the high profile players because he doesn’t get on with them is getting very old very fast at Old Trafford. This latest episode with Ruud Van Horseyface is evidence of his bull-headedness regarding disagreements with his talent. To sacrifice the goal machine that was Ruud out of spite is not how things get done in the business of professional football. I think (and hope) that this is his last year.

The big question going into this season is how in the world are they going to replace all of those goals that left for Real Madrid. Rooney of course is the main option, but he doesn’t do well in a position of having his back to goal. Playing just off of a main striker is where he does his damage. Louis Saha took over Ruud’s spot late last year and did an admirable job, but from what I gather, he is very prone to injury. A returning Ole Gunnar Solskjaer might provide a boost, but at 33, he’s not exactly a spring chicken. They are in desperate need of another quality striker. Rumors are running rampant concerning Adriano from Inter Milan, but it is anyone’s guess on how he would perform in England. Midfield is where United are likely to make their mark against the Prem. A fully fit Alan Smith returns from that horrid injury in the FA Cup last year and I look for him to make quite an impact this season. Scholes, Richardson, and Park Ji-Sung are all quality and Darren Fletches has to improve, doesn’t he? Last, and least, is the one player I absolutely loathe in the Premiership: Cristiano Ronaldo. This douche bag did more to turn me off to a particular player than anyone else in the world. I am still brewing information in my head to be poured out into a column at a later date. Gabriel Heinze should be in good form this year on the back line as well as Gary Neville and Patrice Evra. That leaves Rio “Jamaican National Team Wannabe” Ferdinand. So much talent, yet so much wastefulness. I’ve never seen someone who can be so great, yet make some of the most idiotic moves out on a pitch at the drop of a hat. As usual, Edwin Van Der Sar will be minding the net, and doing a good job of it. Overall, this side looks to be very quality, yet something tells me there is going to be some turmoil surrounding this campaign. Prediction: 5th. At some point in the season, Sir Alex will completely lose the plot and send his team into a downward spiral. Upon hearing news that the board wants him gone, he superglues himself to the manager’s bench in Old Trafford and screams at the top of his lungs, “You want me gone, you Yankee c*nts, you go ahead and take me!”