A Spurs Fan In Akron

A Knob Named Poll

2006-12-06T11:23:00.000-08:00

Yes. Graham Poll. The John Nash of the Premiership, except the good at math part.

Indeed.

I cannot recall being too upset at Poll last season for any performances. Granted, this is mostly due to the fact that I was learning the game and couldn't really tell my ass from a hole in the ground as it related to the skills of a ref. Now that I have a decent amount of gamewatching under my belt, I have come to the conclusion that this man has absolutely lost it. It almost seems that showing the third yellow to that Croatian in the World Cup caused something in his brain to wind down if not altogether shut down. I would have hoped that the rest of the summer sitting in a dark corner clutching a childhood blankie chanting "2 yellows for a red" would solve this problem, but it has transferred over into my beloved Premiership.

Basically, 2 games that had a profound effect on my season were against CSKA London and Olympique Londonaise. Both were blessed by having Poll oversee the proceedings in a rather clueless manner. Against Chelski, I was excited for John Terry to be shown a second yellow card, but I didn't see what the raucous was about. Did he say something? Who knows, but there was no physical action that warranted a red, and with Poll's recent track record, that sending off was always going to be in question. Also, that disallowed goal by Drogba was rather curious. I saw absolutely nothing wrong with it, but, again, was very happy that it did not count. A game that turned out amazing for me was a bit tainted by a man who looks lost on the pitch.

In Al-Emirates Stadium, Poll clearly lost the plot. Apparently, making an amazing saving tackle in the box to save a goal earns a penalty. Good job. In addition, handling the ball doesn't matter if, seconds later, you get fouled in the box. The earlier foul cancels out, and the penalty is henceforth awarded. As official as that rule apparantly sounded in Graham Poll's head, IT WAS BLOODY WRONG! OPEN YOUR DAMN EYES!

Sorry for raging there, but this guy has got to go. Footballers have a shelf life, as do officials, especially when said official has all the competence of an organization that can't get a country's national stadium up in less time than it takes for the bad luck to wear off after breaking a mirror. Wait, who hired Graham Poll anyway?

2 more and you're off, ya hear?

Countdown To Arsenal

2006-11-30T17:36:00.000-08:00

01-12-06.

Look. Here’s the deal. As much as I enjoyed the disposing of CSKA London, destroying Olympique Londonaise is my ultimate high of football at the moment. Unfortunately, I have as of yet to experience this amazing event because every time we go ahead 1-nil, we give it back with about 10 minutes left in the game. It wouldn’t be so bad if it were against Liverpool, Newcastle (strike that; Newcastle would be horrific) or even Mordor United. (I’ll get to the Red Devils later.) It is the fact that our North London rivals snatch mediocrity from the jaws of defeat and it is pissing me off to no end. Right now, all that matters is Arsenal is playing like garbage and we are going to roll in there and embarrass them on their brand new sterile pitch. Former nemesis Billy Gallas is out with injury, so the back line will be rather porous if all goes well.

Step up Dimitar Berbatov. He is, without a doubt, the best foreign signing of the entire Premiership from last summer’s transfer window. Never have I seen someone who is so big be so silky smooth in every motion he makes. I don’t think I would be out of order if I called him Zizzou-esque. He isn’t the biggest of lads, but the way he can so effortlessly get around anybody and I do mean anybody, is absolutely astonishing. Last week against Wigan, he took the ball on his right foot, and in a matter of 1 second, he nutmegged his opponent and glided right past him on his way to powering the ball right past a helpless Chris Kirkland. He is very quickly becoming “The Man” at Spurs and not a moment too soon. Robbie Keane and Jermaine Defoe aren’t producing as I had predicted, but as Berbatov becomes a permanent fixture on our front line, both of them are getting better alongside him. Midfield wise, I like the pairing of Zokora and Huddlestone in the middle. Both of them have the capacity to drop a ball on a dime from 60 yards out and will do our front men wonders feeding them the ball to “bulge the back of the ol’ onion bag.” Aaron Lennon has definitely come through as the sensation just about everyone though he would be. The goal v. Chelski was nothing short of sublime has he faked Cashley Cole out of his jock when he took the ball down. Combine that with scorching pace and horrifyingly good control when running around in the box, any left back will be soiling himself at the prospect of defending him all day long. On the left side, we finally get a look at our last summer signing Steed Malbranque. From what little I’ve seen of him, I like his style and creativity. Steed could easily have netted one last weekend and helped set up another. As much as I like Hossam Ghaly, Malbranque is going to be the man out there on the right side and I could not be happier. An appraisal of our back line when fit is a good one. Chimbonda has been epic this season alongside the dynamic duo of King and Dawson. The real surprise however has been Benoit Assou-Ekotto. Not a whole lot was known about him coming into the campaign, and to be honest, I thought he’d get suck behind Stalteri or Y.P. Lee for a while. Not so, as he has made that left back position his own and done extremely well in a new league against some of the quickest players on the planet. I guess the people that I have just pointed out are the reason we’ve lost just 1 in our last 14 in all competitions. Props to you boys; this is becoming the team I envisioned at the beginning of the season.

Now to that team a few miles away. To say I hate Arsenal is kind of like saying Iran somewhat hates the United States. The basis of loathing starts right at the top; Arsene Wenger. Welluh, welluh, I do not like him. He uh, he uh, he gets on my tits to no end. I didn’t like the man from his antics on the touch line last year and that didn’t help much when he threw one of his hall of fame hissies on the line against West Ham after The Hammers scored the game winner at Upton Park. Bravo, you jackass.

Oddly enough, I don’t mind a lot of the players. Henry is pure class, Rosicky is a great signing, and Billy Gallas is a big upgrade from that tattered back line from last year. I do have a bit of disdain for Jens Lehman. I’m not sure what it is, but he annoys the piss out of me. I think the main reason is because every time somebody touches him in the box, he freaks out like that mongoloid from “There’s Something About Mary” when they touch his ears. Grow a pair and realize that this is a contact sport and sometimes you need to be roughed up a bit. Deal with it.

Ashburton Grave. While it is technically a marvelous stadium, it has all the warmth of Cruella Deville. It has no real character yet, and I say yet because I have to at least give it a chance to develop some charm like Highbury. I might be inclined to say that The Gooners’ record at Emirates Stadium has something to do with this. Well, that, and the comparatively enormous pitch they are playing on at the moment. At present, I don’t think they have the width yet to do what they do best, and that is playing “beautiful” football. Well, boys and girls, you can play all the beautiful football you want, but if you don’t stick it in the back of the net, it counts as much as the worst looking team in history not putting it in the net. As long as this pattern of do everything but score style of football is being played on Saturday, our boys won’t have the slightest problem piling onto the misery that is Arsenal’s 2006-07 season.

Finally, with this being the Christmas season, I’d like to end this blog with a little song.

Away in a manger
No crib for a bed
The little Lord Jesus
Sat up and he said

WE HATE ARSENAL!
AND WE HATE ARSENAL!
WE HATE ARSENAL!
AND WE HATE ARSENAL!

3 Points Is 3 Points No Matter How You Get Those 3 Points

2006-10-01T21:29:00.000-07:00

Finally, the 2,984-minute goalless drought is over as the (not so) mighty Spurs create a much-needed victory against the (sort of) mighty Pompey. I, of course, am quite thrilled that we picked up the spoils today at The Lane, but I am not thrilled at how we achieved it. The first minute was fantastic as Defoe picked out the head of Berbatov who, in turn, had his shot on goal brushed away by Calamity James. Amazingly, someone from Spurs was actually in position to take advantage of it as Danny Murphy broke his duck for Tottenham with a cool finish into the left corner. Unfortunately for me, the audio on Fox was way out of sync and it was sort of difficult to get into the moment from my perspective. Thanks a lot, FSC. Wankers.

Let’s get back to the game. The half hour mark saw a curious decision from the match day official, a Mr. Steven Wonder, as Didier Zokora did his best Arjen Robben impression in the box and was awarded a penalty. I’m all for Spurs being awarded penalties but this one was cheap and, to be honest, a bit embarrassing on our end. If there had been even the slightest amount of contact, like a pinky finger, then fair play to Mr. Zokora. However, the wind from Pedro Mendes charging in to defend is not a reason to fall over and plea for a penalty. This is White Hart Lane, not Portugal. Hopefully Martin Jol will “shmack shum shense” into Didier as an indication never to do that again.

As a Spurs fan, even an embarrassing and cheap penalty that Defoe coolly slotted home giving us a 2-nil lead wouldn’t take away from the relative ecstasy of looking on our way to our first three points since late August. This is Tottenham, and we were reminded of that fact when about 6 minutes later when former Arsenal foe Kanu headed home a cross for Portsmouth and it became squeaky bum time inside The Lane. Our unease would only worsen as Pompey pretty much dominated us throughout the second half as we had all the ambition of a 40-year-old pothead going forward. Zokora, in an attempt to play real football, made some fantastic runs forward only to have his service into the strikers denied in the final third. Luckily on our end, the England number one saved a last gasp Lua Lua header in the 92nd minute to preserve our 2-1 victory and a bit of relief in the Lilywhite section of North London.

He loves proving me right. Uncanny, really.

I would be remiss if I did not mention my favorite whipping boy, Jermaine Jenas. I owe him a debt of gratitude for proving just about everything in my blog about him to be absolutely true. After a “thankfully” anonymous first half, he came into true Jenas form in the second. I’ll give him this. Running with the ball, he did fantastically. It is just the small matter of doing something worthy of positive recognition with it that seems to fail him at the present time. I’ll give you a brief rundown of the last 45 minutes for Mr. Jenas.

1. After a wonderful run down the right side, he manages to hit an extraordinary cross straight into touch. Good job.

2. Defoe and Berbatov manage to keep the ball alive just outside of the box and center it for Jenas who, as per usual, whiffs at it with all the gusto of a 400lb man with a hoagie in his mouth. Thumbs up to YOU, sir.

3. It just wouldn’t be a Spurs game is Jenas didn’t have a few shots go narrowly over the crossbar. By narrowly, I mean 15 rows up into the seats.

Yeah, I’m harsh on Jenas. “Thank you, Capt. Obvious,” I might hear anyone who stumbles upon this blog say. It is not that I don’t like him. It is just that such a skillful player isn’t playing up to form and it is really pissing me off. So much potential is not being maximized and it is really time for this metro sexual football player to kick it into gear. He’s better than his showing on the pitch and seeing him play like rubbish 99% of the season thus far makes me feel like a parent whose kids are just slacking off and wasting what talent they have. However, let us just get one thing straight. As a Spurs fan who loves his team, I have all the right in the world to bag on Jenas. Any Arsenal twat, or whoever else for that matter, does not have said right. That is just the way it works in modern sport.

Now, as I leave you with this post, we enter into the breakneck, slam-bang, laugh in the face of death, exhibition of daring-do that is Euro 2008 qualifying. I’ll pause while you collect yourself as the very thought of it overwhelms every fiber of your being.

You are welcome. 2 weeks void of any meaningful football have us sullen, downtrodden, and generally bored until the next game. Villa away. No easy feat by any stretch of the imagination. 1 point would please me to no end, as a matter of fact. The way we played today honestly gives me little more hope than I had a few weeks ago that we would make Europe again. Something has to change. Lennon, Lennon. Wherefore art thou, Lennon? Deny thy injury, and resume thy game!

Mike.

A Bit of Insight.

2006-09-28T22:02:00.000-07:00

Something has come to the forefront of my consciousness in the last few days. With the resumption of the Champions League this past Tuesday and Wednesday, football has officially stepped up the priority list that is my daily life all the way up to #2 just behind staying alive on a basic level. Some may call it pathetic, but, the way I see it, I am immersing my spirit in the greatest sport on the planet. I found myself telling work to screw off just so I could come home early and watch Liverpool v. Galatasaray. Is this irresponsible behavior? I guess it would depend on what one defines “irresponsible.” Personally, I find that ignoring something you feel passionate about is irresponsible when it comes to addressing what makes you happy. I also find that when a particular activity inspires you to do other activities to enhance your life, why not go in headfirst? Football has inspired me to write again after about 8 years of ignoring the thimbleful of talent I happen to possess. I might even go back to school and study journalism and make it into a career. What I most want to happen is to be able to contribute in some way to a regular footie mag. Unfortunately, this might take quite a lot of time and effort, but I’m willing to make that sacrifice. I realize that I require a lot of work in the area of actual column writing, but I’d like to believe I have the basic tools in which to improve upon. After all, isn’t doing something related to an activity that positively gives you goose bumps somewhat of a dream job? I dare say it is.

Now that I have gotten the personal part of this blog out of the way, it is time to actually talk football. Champions League match day 2 was fantastic as far as I am concerned. The Tuesday matches were a bit rubbish for the most part, to be fair, but Wednesday’s were just pure fun to watch. Liverpool played what I can only describe as one of the best halves of football I have seen all year. 3-nil and 1 absolutely unbelievable goal as a gangly, 11ft. 2in. tall Peter Crouch bicycle kicked a Steve Finnan cross past a stunned Galatasaray keeper. A true “Holy Sh*t!” moment if I ever saw one. The popular consensus might be that a Ronaldinho, or an Eto’o, or even a Robbie Keane (heh) would score goals in this manner and not, for example, a big, red giraffe such as Crouchinho. Yes. Some Liverpool fans have taken to calling him “Crouchinho.” I’d like to think they’re just taking the piss, but they are dead serious.

To their credit, the Turkish side nicked 2 goals in the span of about 6 minutes and caused thousands upon thousands of Reds fans to chew their fingernails clean off over the remaining 25 minutes of the contest. I wasn’t very convinced of the Liverpool defense’s ability over that last third of the game, but they got the result, and that’s all that matters.

The most intense match for me was German side Werder Bremen hosting FC Barcelona. I have become a bit of a Bremen fan after watching them in the Bundesliga over the last year and really felt for them as a moment of calamity cost Werder a famous victory over Juventus and a spot in the quarterfinals of the Champions League last year. I suppose that’s what you get when you wear a bright pink shirt in goal. Just kidding. Heading into this game, he pundits, as well as myself, would have predicted a Barcelona victory. Deep down, I hoped against hope that the Germans would hold back what many in the world consider to be the best football team on the planet. It was a very inspiring performance from Bremen as they took the game straight to the Catalans. Amazingly enough, 2 or 3 clear cut chances within the first 15 minutes gave me confidence that Bremen wouldn’t be run off the pitch. Honestly, Barcelona’s back line looked a bit off and that made me very happy. Bremen’s, on the other hand, was stout and resolute in their defending of a certain World Footballer of the Year. Ronaldinho disappointed many fantasy team owners Wednesday night, as he was extremely non-existent for most of the game. All credit to Werder, as they locked him down save for one breakaway that didn’t even produce a shot on goal. Throughout the first half, and into the second, Bremen was the better team in my humble and borderline uninformed opinion. Then, dreams came true. UEFA Defender of the Year, Carlos Puyol, directed a Bremen cross directly past the keeper to boost the Germans to a 1-nil advantage around the 1-hour mark. I uncontrollably yelled out as if it were Spurs winning the Premiership. (Hey, it could happen one day.) Deep down, however, I realized that it was only a preventative measure as to not get beaten when Barca eventually scored. Sure enough, Messi hammered one home right at the death to rescue a point. As I thought about the game I had just witnessed, I could only have a sense of admiration for Bremen for attacking Barcelona and not just trying to play for a point the entire game. I am of the firm belief that the best defense is a good offense. Good on ya, Bremen.

Since I am not contractually required to review every game from Tuesday and Wednesday, I’ll leave it at that when it comes to the Champions League. If you want write-ups on the other contests, shoot me an e-mail at madk0w_44@yahoo.com and I’ll see if what I can do. Please allow 6 to 8 weeks for delivery or 1 to 2 if you are a hot woman and send me nude pictures.

Doom lingers.

Lastly, a blog of mine would not be complete without a Spurs comment or five. As you can see in the picture above, something horrible seems to be parked above White Hart Lane at the moment. It is amazing the amount injuries that currently plague Tottenham. The list would comprise quite a good team in its own right. Defoe, Berbatov, Malbranque, King, Stalteri, Lennon, Davids. Give me a break. It is a damn good thing we kept four strikers during the transfer window or else we’d be up Shit Creek without a paddle. Now, the onus is on Keane and Mido to end our pathetic scoring drought in the Premiership. One positive from the rash of injuries is that we can run out some of the less experienced talent such as Huddlestone, Ghaly, and Ziegler to see what they can do against quality opposition. Thursday’s test of that theory had mixed results at The Lane. While we advanced in the UEFA Jug, Spurs should have done better against the Czech Republic side Slavia Prague. No offence to Prague, but should it ever take 80min to score a goal at home if you are Tottenham? I think we know the answer to that.

Sunday, Portsmouth comes calling to The Lane and we need another loss like we need Jermaine Jenas as striker. It is awfully early in the season to call any game “must win.” This is one of those situations. I honestly think 4th place will be out of reach if Spurs capitulate against Pompey. I indeed fear for the safety of my television set if I am disappointed yet again. So, for my mental safety, and the safety of my Panasonic wide screen, please don’t screw this up guys.

Until next time, remaining as uneasy as a coke addict working on his 10th cup of coffee,

Mike.

Jermaine Jenas

2006-09-24T19:53:00.000-07:00

Jermaine Jenas [Jur-mayn Jee-nuss]
-noun
1. A midfielder for English Premier League club Tottenham Hotspur
2. Someone who cannot seek out appropriate players to pass to in the game of football.
3. A player who cannot put a free kick on target. Also known to knock the ball into row ZZ on a semi-regular basis.

4. Midfielder who cannot kick a ball into an empty net from 2 yards out.
5. Twat.

I know this may sound harsh, but that is just the way it is in this mockery of a blog that I’m putting together. I wrote some harsh statements about the pretty boy midfielder at the very beginning of the season. Realizing it may have been too soon, I backed off of my criticisms and let the play speak for itself. Well, guess what? I did that and it has only infuriated me on a level that pretty much sends me into the seventh layer of hell as it relates to how much Mr. Jenas annoys the piss out of me. Case and point: 23/09/06. The travesty of a game against Liverpool that he had makes me borderline ill. Let me sum up. First half. Gets down the right side with regularity. However, does nothing of any consequence with it as he spectactularly sends crosses flailing into (and over) the 18 yard box with the skillset of a donkey getting pissed off at its owner and mule-kicking him in the nads. Also, manages to scare several fans halfway up the Kop once or twice. I say he just lacked confidence in his shot. He'll say he just wanted to keep them on their toes. The second half is where a vein almost popped out of my forehead. It is nil-nil as Danny Murphy and Edgar Davids link up on a fanstastic play that springs the Dutch pit bull running straight at Pepe Reina and all is looking glorious for my club. The glory is heightened when Davids sees a streaking player running into the box and picks him out for a sure goal. Nobody can screw this up. We're going 1-nil up at Anfield! GOAAA--.................................. WTF?!?!?!?! One thing runs through my mind. F'ing Jenas. Sure enough, The bloke announcing the game confirms my dread. "Oh, Jermaine Jenas misses an empty net!" Yeah, no shit. Who else on Spurs misses that shot? I'm not sure if it is just a case of mailing it in on a regular basis or just thinking about potential tail he might pull later on, but this mockery of a season has got to end sometime soon, doesn't it?

Perhaps later this week I'll have a proper post which doesn't blast any one particular player, but this guy is gettin' on my tits in a massive way.

Until later, Mike.
Frustrated as all hell Spurs fan as I weep inside.

Yeah! I sure do suck this year!

ManU Thoughts and Champions League Goodness

2006-09-12T20:37:00.000-07:00

Welcome back boys and girls to another installment of "Me Talking Junk," a blog dedicated to my passion for Spurs and disdain for just about every other team in the Premiership. This week's edition poses the question; Is Man U really this good and are we really that bad? The answer is a resounding NO to both. How do you feel about that, Martin?

I like Gooaaald!

Thank you, Mr. Soprano. Watching Saturday's game gave me a lift that I never thought I would receive watching a loss. After the first portion of the game where United were the better team, I thought Spurs became the dominate side in the match. However, as Arsenal are so good at proving this year, (*hahaha*) dominating the match and controlling possession do not automatically lead to goals. The lack of finishing this year is shocking and hopefully the flood gates will open at Prague in the UEFA Jug on Thursday and will carry on through against Fulham this Saturday. The uplifting part of that 1-nil defeat at Salford was our defense. Chimbonda was a beast in right back and his royal highness Ledley King made a very successful comeback from injury in the center. Assou-Ekotto was very good on the left but couldn't make any runs into the opponent's half because of the lack of quality on that side of midfield and also to protect against a counter attack when Chimbonda decided to take on the Lennon role laying in crosses on the right. Zokora was coming into his own in the middle and Ghaly had a good premier on the right for the injured Aaron Lennon. Davids. Ugh. Jenas. Ugh. Both had a shocking game, even though Jenas improved a little in so much as he didn't hit row Z on a regular basis this game. I would have liked to have had Berbatov up front, but with his knock he picked up on one of the many utterly useless Euro 2008 qualifiers, it just wasn't in the cards. Mido was misused in that he was more on the left than sitting up front and missed 2 great chances to equalize. It was very nice to see him back in the squad from my perspective and once he gets his form back, I rate him to do great things again this year. Keane was a bit of a non factor again in this game, which dismayed me. I honestly think Spurs should play a diamond formation in the middle with Zokora playing the holding role and Keane playing right behind the strikers. He could be deadly in that sort of position as he proved in a similar role against Sheffield as he roamed all over the pitch. Sound good, Martin?

Yesh. Shexy. He's very toit. Toit like a toigerrrrr.

Granted, Jol probably isn't reading my blog right now, so I don't see this Keane thing happening.

On the flip side, Manchester United looked very average for me once they scored their goal. Rooney and Scholes were out, but that still doesn't take away from the ineptitude of Saha up front and their defense who was caught a few times looking at Mido and Defoe run right into the box unmarked only to miss very, very easy headers. I don't see this 100% record lasting beyond September and, again I'll say it, if they get some injuries, they are done for.

Champions League Goodness

It is the dawn of the greatest club tournament in the world. No, not the Canadian Football League, but the UEFA Champions League. The Champions League is responsible, in part, to me writing this article today. Without the amazing Liverpool comeback in the final, I'm not doing this today. Last season, I was still a fledgling football fan and the League was all very surreal to me. I didn't quite get the full gravity of the situation. This year, I recorded the draw on Setanta and pretty much re-organized my television service for the sole purpose of getting a maximum 4 games every day of pure CL splendor.

This season has some particularly fun groups, the first of which being Group A with 3 quality teams: Barcelona, Chelsea, and Werder Bremen. As expected today, Barcelona took Levski Sofia out to the woodshed and spanked their bottoms 5-0. The result I did NOT want to see was Chelsea blanking Bremen 2-0 at Stamford Bridge. I really want Werder Bremen to supplant Chelsea or Barca and get that second place finish in the group. However, that game may have snapped me back into reality as that dream of mine may already be fading to black.

Rooting for Liverpool in the CL, I was satisfied for the away draw at PSV, but I'm concerned about the lack of movement through the midfield and also, and more importantly, what the hell is Benitez doing leaving Gerrard, Garcia, and Alonso on the bench? He never went there to win, in my opinion, and was solely looking at this weekend's clash with Chelsea. I predict the Pool and PSV coming out of group C.

Wednesday's fun game for me is Manchester United hosting Celtic. Harkening back to the days of William Wallace, thousands of screaming, drunk Scotsmen will be charging out of the north to give cheer to their club at Old Trafford for their first Champions League group stage fixture. I pray, I hope, I fantasize that Celtic nick a win against their greatest export besides Trainspotting; Sir Alex Ferguson. I wonder if SAF deep down would be all that upset to lose to a Scottish side. After all, he coaches in the country that is Scotland's neighbor. I will be rooting for Glasgow United all the way in this one. And I'm sure Dave O'brien will be cheering right alongside me.

Lastly, I will speak of Arsenal's group. Not the pansy draw they got last year, is it? Hamburg, Porto, and the Moscow. Not exactly Prague, Ajax, and FC Thun. I love this draw for Arsenal for all the wrong reasons if you happen to be an Arsenal fan. This is a tough draw, and a 3rd place finish would please me to no end. Oh, a bit off track here, TWO POINTS IN 3 GAMES. HAHAHAHAHAHA! Sorry, had to gloat a bit. And before you curse me though the internet and retorting that you have a game in hand on us and we only have 3 points, I'll say this. I don't care! We're still above you in the league and as long as we remain as such, I'll gloat and shit talk all I want. Anyway, back to the group. Having to start away to Hamburg without TH14 is a big blow and a loss right off the bat could crush the fragile psyche that perpetually is Arsenal FC. Porto is no easy side to play against and having to travel to Moscow in mid October isn't exactly an enticing opportunity for anyone. At least it isn't in December in the middle of those fun Russian winters they seem to love so much over there. Too bad. Arsenal to finish 3rd and then get dumped by us in the Jug.

I could go on and on about the rest of the Champions League, but I really don't want to right now, so there. This blog ends...............now.

Down To The Wire.

2006-09-02T21:27:00.000-07:00

My first official season following the summer transfer window can best be summed up by 1 word. Nerve-racking. Wait. Is that supposed to be 2 words? Ahh, who cares? Anyway, after a start fit for Sunderland fans, I was actually losing sleep over whether or not Spurs would use that 15mil they got for Carrick (haha) to go out and really improve this squad of underachievers.

May: Sure, the summer window starts out well enough, signing Dimitar Berbatov from Leverkusen right off the bat, but with Mido toddling back off to Rome, it was a must and not a huge surprise for me. Soon after, the rumblings from up north in Manchester started concerning our beloved Michael Carrick. Surely Spurs won't sell him. They'd have to be truly daft to sell our midfield linchpin. Nah, Jol won't be that stupid. I decide that is just United being United and pay it no mind heading into the World Cup. Stress Level on a scale from 1 to 10: 1. Pissed Off level due to losing 4th place: 10.5

June: Ahh, the pageantry and splendor (see: diving and cheating) that is the World Cup. Pretty quiet on the transfer market during the group stages as one might expect. Suddenly, right around the knockout stage, I hear about Spurs signing this Ivory Coast midfielder Didier Zokora. Who? What? Why? I do some investigating. Apparently nicknamed "The Maestro," he has been called one of the top holding midfielders in the world. Holding midfielder.............My lack of football knowledge is preventing me from figuring out that they........... HEY WAIT A MINUTE! THEY CAN'T SELL CARRICK! SACRILEGIOUS, TO BE SURE! ONE OF THE 3 TOP REASONS WE HELD 4TH FOR 3/4 OF THE SEASON! Immediately after this epiphany, I go into a temporary sulk that even Nicholas Anelka himself would be proud of. Granted, I haven't seen Zokora play and am now cursing myself or not paying better attention to that ever important Ivory Coast V. Serbia & Montenegro match, but what the hell is really going on here? I immediately go into denial mode. Is he there to take over when Carrick eventually moves on? Is he going to take over for Edgar Davids? Dear god let him replace Jermaine Jenas. (Sorry, but I had to get a Jenas dig in here somewhere.) Of course, Spurs might have just brought him in to reinforce the squad for their UEFA Cup run this season. "Yeah, that's it," I daftly reassure myself, as I try to ignore the Eye of Sauron-like gaze that glares from the evil land of Manchester directly on my Mikey Carrick. As June draws to a close, I see some strange names on the transfer list at Tottenham, all of whom appear to be French. Who the hell is Dorian Dervitte? What's up with Benoit Assou-Ekotto? I wasn't aware that a mandate came down from the board at Spurs to become Arsenal. So it comes to pass that June ends and I'm not impressed with the players we've brought in. Again, It is June and I am still learning about other leagues and other players in world football. Keep that in mind before you call me a twat for not being hyped up that Berbatov and Zokora have come to the Lane. Stress Level: A calm 3.14

July: July for me becomes what escaping from a maximum security prison is for inmates. Unbearable false hope. The World Cup comes to an end with the headbutt heard around the world and the tighty whiteys seen around the world. Dear God, Gattuso. You're Italian for Christ's sake. Can you at least have the sense of style stereotypical of your people to put on some fancy boxer briefs or even a banana hammock on in the off-chance you win the World Cup and decide to bare your nickers to about a billion people? Sorry about that. A bit off topic. Anyway, A week or two passes by and I find that we have come in for a nice little bid on Pascal Chimbonda of Wigan fame. Apparently my little snarky remark about us becoming Arsenal last month might come to fruition. Although, I am excited about this transfer as Chimbonda proved to be a bit of a beast on Wigan's back line. Anyone who read my preview knows how I feel about Spurs' defense. Having Pascal to shore up the back 4 should prevent the myriad (good word usage. *high five*) of goals let in during injury time last season from happening again this year. We come in for about 2.5mil to buy Chimbonda and after a bit of teasing, Paul Jewell decides that our bid is rather insulting. Apparently, Jewell decides to become Monty Hall and declares for the world to hear that the Frenchman is actually worth somewhere in the neighborhood of 6mil. HA! Does that dissuade our beloved board from coming back with another lowball bid? Of course not. In true Yiddo fashion, we retort with a rather contemptuous 3.5mil. Apparently we have underestimated Wigan's resolution to hold firm as 6mil as they laugh in our face and, for good measure, moon us as if they were a 17 year old with their ass hanging out of a car window. All hope seems to be lost as far as I am concerned. Dammit, we need someone worth a toss to get our back line in order.

Then, out of nowhere, I hear on World Soccer Daily from Steven "The Oracle" Cohen that we're in for Damien Duff. Happy days are here again! I actually feel a flutter in the old ticker as thoughts of Lennon and Duff torturing defenses around the league gleefully dance in my head. I even manage to put it out of my mind that this is Tottenham we're talking about and somehow we'll find away to bottle it up. Sure enough, in true Yiddo fashion, they decide they don't want to pay over 40k a week and even want Chelsea to share in some of the expense. Are you kidding me? We're going to haggle over a few thousand pounds and waste a glorious opportunity to bring a quality left winger to White Hart Lane? I have officially become downtrodden. My hopes are officially dashed when Duff becomes a Barcode in the northeast for half of what we were going to pay for him. A bit of a slap in the face by Chelsea, but I can't blame them too much. Spurs did look like some cheap bastards in this deal. A serious surgery is in need for the ones making transfer decision so we can remove their heads from their asses. And just to complete this month of torture and anguish, it looks like Man Utd are going to get Carrick afterall. I silently weep. It sure would be nice to get a decent chunk of cash for him. Perhaps our haggling ability will work in our favor for once. 8 or 9 mil would be about all I expect, but I'm sure we can go out and sign a decent player or two for that amount. July comes to a close. I pine for a transfer kitty like Chelsea have so these money issues that our lovely board of Yids won't piss away our ability to sign the players we need. I'm not talking about getting a Kaka or a Shevchenko, but Damien Duff was certainly in our range as was Chimbonda. I begin to wonder if our team is kind of like the guy on the street who flashes a wad of cash that exists of 1 $100 bill wrapped around a bunch of $1 bills. So frustrating. Stress Level: Creeping up to a solid 7. Feeling like a prat for supporting these cheap bastards.

August: Ok guys, this is it. One month to figure out how the hell to attain the players we need to make a solid run at 4th this year. And what a crackin' start we get off to:

"Yesh. Hello Gareth. I wush vundering, ummmmmmmmm. Any chance you vuld give ush Shtewart Downing? Yesh?"

"Piss off, Goldmember."

So, that went well. Apparently, pursing and ultimately not getting Damien Duff sent out red flags that we were really in need of a left winger. Most of our forthcoming inquiries of other wingers were met with increased transfer fees and the message that if we want our prized midfield replacement, we're going to pay out the ass for him. And, in true Spurs fashion, after yet another lowball bid, our efforts to retain the services of England international and Steve McClaren lapdog Stewart Downing were rebuffed. Soon after, my fear that Mordor (err Manchester United) would claim Michael Carrick was realized. Yet, I couldn't help but be happy about how the whole thing went down. Happy, you ask? How could someone who just 2 months ago all but pledged his allegiance to Carrick as if he were the end-all be-all of the midfield say he is happy about the transfer? Well boys and girls, it is very simple. 18.6mil for him. That is right. 18.6mil. Apparently, United was more desperate to get a midfielder than we are. To recap, we bought Carrick from West Ham for about 3 mil. We sell him for 18mil. Finally, the financial acumen that accompanies the stereotype of our team works for us. Woohoo! And what do we do with our new found riches? We tack a whopping 100k more onto the previous 3.5mil bid for Pascal Chimbonda. That of course requires the inevitable quotes from Wigan that include the words: insulting, pathetic, and my personal favorite, cheap bastards. Ok, that last one was mine, but it is how I'm feeling at the moment. For crying out loud, loosen the death grip you have on the wallet and dole out the extra 2.5 mil and call it a day. It is in this moment that I have a revelation. They are doing this on purpose to screw with me. Why else is this happening? Are they that cheap? Or is it just business savvy? Time will tell.

By the time the kickoff of the Premiership rolls around, rumors are rampant. Obafemi Martins? Stewart Downing? Pascal Chimbonda? Who will we get? More importantly, who won't we get because Mr. Daniel Levy wants to roll around naked in bed with his 18mil from the Carrick deal. For some daft reason, I convince myself that we'll be fine with the players we've got right before the game around 12:15pm EST. On 20 Aug. 15 minutes and 2 goals later, I decide that we're screwed. Undoubtedly, Martin Jol was of the same opinion. I could have sworn I saw him break out his celly in the 80th minute and whisper sweet nothings into Gareth Southgate's ear trying to persuade him to give up Downing. My own personal feelings after the game were clear as day in my mind. We need width in a bad bad way. Spurs feel the same way, and offer 8mil for Downing. One problem. They've repeatedly said they want 9 or 10. Our reply? 8. Quality stuff, gentlemen. While you're at it, just give 'em the finger. In the following days, we turn our attention to a Bulgarian by the name of Petrov who is also a left winger. This pleases me, as Berbatov would have a quality player to help with service the ball to him and also have someone to talk to about whatever Bulgarians talk about. The Eastern Bloc? I dunno. Of course, that doesn't happen as it was most likely a ploy to get the price on Downing lowered. Apparently 'Boro have I.Q.'s over 79 and see right through this. After a convincing half of football against Sheffield United, my fears are a bit lowered and think to myself; Nawww we're good. I should have initiated a moron alert on myself concerning this line of thinking. It was Sheffield United for crying out loud. This of course comes back to bite me on the ass as we lose to a 10 man Everton 2-0 while displaying a heartless and impotent performance. Stress Level: A Red Alert 10! Hair is falling out and fingernails are no more. Something needs to change or someone needs to be whacked!

That something that needed to change just happened to be the return of someone who I felt was vital to the success of Spurs: Mido! There's only 1 Mido! There's only 1 Mido! My favorite Egyptian has returned after we managed to buy him from Roma permanently. After a month of feeling like an ass for supporting a team who was too damn cheap to buy anyone decent, I feel a sense of redemption and hope for my club. More good news comes. Steed Malbranque (left sided midfielder here, Spurs) is allowed to move from Fulham negating Cookie Coleman's mandate that he will sit on the bench all year rather than be sold. In shocking news, Spurs trump West Ham's bid and Malbranque is on his way to The Lane. 2 signings in 1 week? Surely nobody can live at that speed! On deadline day, I wake up to some glorious news. The courtship of Pascal Chimbonda has finally culminated with a full on union of cash to Wigan for Frenchman to Spurs bliss. My faith has henceforth been restored in my club as we have done some amazing business to get some massive upgrades in the squad. Granted, the road to my revival of confidence was rocky, but it all worked out in the end? I knew they'd get all these deals done. No problem. After all, we're Spurs! Stress Level: How I feel after amazing sex: Zero.

3 games and what have we learned?

2006-08-26T20:46:00.000-07:00

Now that I've given all the teams in the Premiership a run out in my blog, it is time to focus on the team that matters to me; Spurs. First of all, what the hell was that pitiful performance in today's ownage by Everton? Up 1 man for an hour and you play like a bunch of neutered puppies out there. Unacceptable. Our only saving grace is that Arsenal lost to Man City today and are still below us in the table, albeit they have a game in hand. Why we did not attack more against The Toffees is completely beyond me and one thing has become glaring. We really needed to get Damien Duff for that left side. Our attack on the left was deplorable and it was pretty much up to Lennon to control all the wide play. There are 6 days left to find a suitable left winger so we can take that douchebag Jenas off. Every shot, every cross, every touch is pretty much crap and I could do without him to be honest. It is because of this crap left side that there is absolutely ZERO service into our boys up front. One more thing. We need Ledley King back in a big way. That middle of Davenport and Dawson is extremely underwhelming if I am a center forward. King and Dawson will give us a bit more shape back there. I really can't fault Robbo for any of the goals today, so he gets a pass.

It all boils down to this. If you would have offered us 3 points out of the 1st 3 games, I'd have told you to piss off. As it stands now, however, this is not a team that will take 4th in the league and until we get our shit together, we'll be lucky to finish top half. I won't comment on the 1st 2 games because, to be honest, we had zero chemistry against Bolton and we SHOULD have beat Sheffield, so I don't take those games into consideration in taking a long hard look at this side. This game versus Everton really made me question our attacking prowess and our overall desire to play. All credit to the Blues. They wanted it more and they got a deserved result. Tony Soprano better start calling his "connections" to get some of these guys proverbially whacked.

The 4th and final installment of the "official" preview for the English Premier League

2006-08-20T17:32:00.000-07:00

Tottenham Hotspur: The team that I’ll most likely go to the grave supporting. Why, you may ask. It all began rather innocuously as I started my journey towards becoming a massive football fan. After the miracle in Istanbul, I decided to start following the English Premier League on a regular basis. I also decided to start playing football video games and someone recommended on a board that some team called Tottenham was a fun team to play as. As I developed a liking for the team, I started watching summer games on FSC to catch up. I became genuinely enthralled with Spurs and decided that this was one hundred percent the team I was for. To be fair, last year wasn’t exactly a bad year to follow Tottenham. They held 4th for about 7 months only to lose it on the last day due to a mass virus that swept through the starting eleven. Robbie Keane became my favorite footballer because a) he’s Irish, b) he is a great striker, and c) he is simply The Man. The goal against Blackburn in March was a thing of beauty and was my favorite goal of the year.

On to this year. I can only hope that our new big transfers of Didier Zokora and Dimitar Berbatov come good and within the first month. I was rather upset at the loss of Mido (although rumors are rampant that he will return), and Berbatov needs to pick up that slack. As a bit of a tank up front, having speedsters such as Defoe and Keane to run at defenders will allow Berbatov to perhaps gain a bit of space to score some fantastic goals. I also am depending on Keane to continue as the main striker for the full season because he is simply that good so long as he’s fit. Sorry Jermaine, 60th minute substitute duty for you. We’ll give you a run out in the cup competitions though. I still think a returning Mido would give us a lot more options when Spurs get into the fray of UEFA Cup football. Going with 2 different quality strike forces in the same week does not suck. Midfield wise, the departure of Carrick may be a bit of a loss, but that’s why Zokora was brought in. Having a great World Cup gives me confidence that he’ll get it done. Edgar Davids is still a bit of a rover who doesn’t exactly shy away from hard tackles. While others say he’s washed up, I think used in the proper way; he can still be a big asset. Jenas started to piss me off and he needs to get his crap together for this year. He’s good for some free kicks, but every time I see him with the ball, he gets owned by the defender. This bloke better come correct or one Mr. Huddlestone will be all over that spot. Aaron Lennon is the one who I’m looking for to have a monster breakout year. His pace down the right is blinding and when he gains the proper confidence to just own the game, he’ll be considered one of the best in the league. Defense still worries me. Assou-Ekotto didn’t exactly impress me a whole lot from what I saw, but once he adjusts to the pace of the Premiership, I would like to believe he’d be fine. We desperately need Ledley King back to govern the middle. One good thing I notice is that Y.P. Lee is being played in his correct spot, at right back. With Robbo still minding the net, we need not worry too much about that spot. The great Tony Soprano is in charge, and I envision a great year. Prediction: 4th. Much alcohol will be consumed on the final day of the season by yours truly when we clinch a Champions League spot. Or, much alcohol will be consumed by yours truly when we somehow bottle it up again and finish 5th.

Watford: I know precisely dick about this team. But because I am a bit thorough in my research, I promise that by mid season, I will have a quality write up about The Hornets that would make the greatest journalists in the world would shed a tear. Prediction: Bottom.

West Ham United: As part of my newly founded “Adopt a Promoted Team Foundation” I created last year, West Ham was exciting for me to watch as they returned to the Premiership. I took a liking to them throughout the entire season, including a fantastic F.A. Cup Finals run (until they knocked my boys out of 4th. Bastards). Dean Ashton proved an exciting addition in January and became one of my favorite players in the league. Unfortunately for him and the club, he broke his ankle during training and shall now miss everything up to November at the least. Harewood and Zamora are also some great strikers up front and will bag a lot of goals this year. The newly signed Carlton Cole from Chelsea may just prove a stroke of genius with Ashton going down. The midfield is where it’s at on this side, however. Matty Etherington along with Reo-Coker and returning Lee Bowyer should be a formidable one. Now if only they can get Shaun Newton to stop sniffing everything in sight, they can have a complete season with all their players in the middle. I would be remiss if I did not mention Yossi Benayoun, the Israeli right-winger who just exploded onto the scene last year. His ability to spring open his strikers as well as the right back into dangerous positions was absolute class and his finishing was quality as well. Having 2 wingers like Etherington and Benayoun will keep The Hammers in the top half for sure. Defense is where I do question their ability. Anton Ferdinand had a great year to be sure, but Konchesky, Gabbidon, and Dailly didn’t convince me the way Ferdinand did. The transfer of a not quite fit Jonathon Spector should help however, but if they can just keep pace with last season, they’ll be doing well. The goalkeeper situation is a bit tenuous for the time being, with Roy Carroll currently in charge. However, West Ham went out and got Norwich and England keeper Robert Green to take over when he recovers from that ever so painful groin injury. I think boss Alan Pardew is in good shape to take The Hammers even further up the table. Prediction: 6th.

Wigan Athletic: Last year’s promotion darlings are going to be this season’s relegation fodder, in my opinion. They’ve been plucked more times than the rose trellis outside the nearby country club. Losing the likes of Roberts, Bullard, Francis, and Thompson shall be the death knell of Wigan’s Premiership aspirations of staying afloat. Perhaps manager Paul Jewell can get this side to play so far over their heads that their noses bleed for the entire campaign, but I am skeptical. They have made a few good signings over the summer, most notably Chris Kirkland from Liverpool to mind the net. Also, Emile Heskey should help out with the striking situation now that Jason Roberts has left for the sanctuary that is Blackburn Rovers. Their best defender, Paschal Chimbonda, provided he doesn’t go anywhere, will once again have to be the glue that holds that back line together. Overall, this club has been too ravaged from the transfer market to maintain top-flight status. Prediction: 19th. Fare thee well, Wigan. We hardly knew ye.

There it is; my inaugural season preview of the English Premier League. Hope you enjoyed it. And as always, if you don’t agree with it, that is just too damn bad. But, even if you don’t agree, I sincerely hope you liked reading it. There will be more to come in the following 9 months of borderline torture that comes with the ups and downs of following The Premiership. Until next time, this is Mike Stevenson saying; STAND UP IF YOU HATE ARSENAL! STAND UP IF YOU HATE ARSENAL!

England Preview: Part 3

2006-08-16T19:34:00.000-07:00

As we continue the wonderful world of the Premiership, 5 more teams come up on my radar. Will anyone crack the top 10? Lets find out.

Middlesbrough: In the wake of Stevie McClaren’s shock move to become England gaffer, the logical choice as a successor would be the usual suspects – Terry Venables, Alan Curbishley, etc. What does chairman Steve Gibson do? He gives the establishment a bit of the ol’ raspberry. Naming former captain and coaching virgin Gareth Southgate is about the least likely thing one might have conjured in their minds when McClaren headed off manage England. In and of itself, I think the move is a decent choice, considering he has the locker room’s respect and is widely known as a pretty good tactician. The downside of this is that many quality players might be hesitant to move to ‘Boro given that an experienced boss is not present. So far, this theory is being proven right with the lack of business in the summer transfer market. As with a number of the teams, I cannot speak intelligently of the players themselves, so I’ll go at this just looking at the unit as a whole. They are extremely average. I can’t say I enjoyed watching a Boro match last year and that is why. Unfortunately, I did not have access to the amazing UEFA Cup run so perhaps some of you may think I’m being harsh as far as their entertainment value. We shall see. Prediction: 12th. Southgate will be a worthy manager, I suspect.

Newcastle United: If you are looking for a club that hasn’t won jack shit since 1955, then this is your team. United just seem to have a black cloud hanging over their heads. Whether it be getting tantalizingly close to a league championship that matters (that 1993 1st Division title doesn’t count) or losing countless FA Cup Finals, nothing can seem to shake this penchant for choking when it counts. Bad luck also seems to follow Newcastle. The boy wonder, Michael Owen, has come back to England to once again rain down goals on the Premiership while playing for The Magpies. Unfortunately, he’ll see less than 2 hours playing time in the entire calendar year of 2006 with the massive injuries he has sustained. This leaves the club woefully short on strikers, as their roster is basically reduced to two up front: Ameobi and Luque. Newcastle is trying to land Obafemi Martins from Inter and Dirk Kuyt from Feyenoord, but have come up short in the bidding and/or negotiations. If they don’t rectify this situation, United is going to have a long, goal-deprived season. One coup that boss Glenn Roeder and Co. have pulled off is the relatively cheap move to bring Chelsea winger Damian Duff to St. James Park. This is a particularly good signing in that it gives Newcastle someone with pace on the left to play opposite of Nolberto Solano on the right wing. This could potentially give Roeder an option of playing a 4-5-1 with either Ameobi or Luque up front with Duff and Solano charging up the flanks. If they can’t get another striker in, this might be their only choice. The back line, however, gives me zero hope with this side. The almost weekly ineptitude displayed by “The 3 B’s,” Babayaro, Bramble, and Boumsong, was embarrassing. Unless they get their proverbial crap together, net minder Shay Given will have another torturous season in goal. Given single handedly kept Newcastle in any sort of a respectable form throughout the year and had my vote as one of the top 3 keepers in the league. I somehow envision an overall consistent season from The Magpies in the end. Prediction: 7th.

Portsmouth: One of the more entertaining stories to follow last season was the departure and return of ‘Appy ‘Arry Redknapp. If you would have asked anybody last November where Pompey was ending up for this season, 99.9% would have said the Coca-Cola Championship. Then, dramatically, as if a light switch were flicked on, Portsmouth, with the return of Redknapp, new signings in the winter transfer market Mendes and Routledge, gained a brand new sense of confidence, which swarmed over the team. It all seemed to take form immediately after the amazing Pedro Mendes volley that beat David James (who joins the club this season) and Man City last March. Amazingly, Pompey ran off one of the best forms in the league over the last month and a half of the season, saving their Premiership life for another season. I think Pompey is primed for a decent year, with the optimism that can only spring from escaping the drop in the manner they did. Prediction: 13th.

Reading/Sheffield United: I’m going to write about these 2 promoted clubs together, because I don’t know an awful lot about them. What I do know is that Reading stormed through the Championship last year the way Sunderland did the year prior. Does this mean Reading will suffer in the Premiership the same way? I doubt it, as The Royal Blue have a decent amount of cash to spend and can make a decent run in the transfer market. I am particularly looking forward to seeing how Americans Bobby Convey and Marcus Hahnemann acquit themselves in the Premier League. They have a real opportunity to really cement the idea that we can play over there just fine. McBride, Bocanegra, and Friedel have been the mantle carriers long enough. Time for some new blood to enter. As far as Reading goes this season, I believe they will be the Wigan of this year. Prediction: 11th. As far as Sheffield United are concerned, I know precisely squat. I do know that boss Neil Warnock is one of the most aggressive, outspoken, maniacal gaffers in the game. The entertainment value from him alone is worth watching this team. As far as the squad goes, I’m not sure they have what it takes to stay up. Prediction: 18th. Relegated on the final day of the season.

Everton thru Mancester United

2006-08-15T19:18:00.000-07:00

Everton: The blue half of Merseyside is a rather befuddling one for myself. Two seasons ago, they finished 4th and ended up in the 3rd round of Champions League qualification. Last year, with maybe 1 or 2 people departed, Everton was a massive disappointment. They were destroyed in their Champions League tie against Villarreal, and started their season out slower than a paraplegic in a 100m dash. To say that boss David Moyes’ head was on the block after 4 months of ineptitude is an understatement in my book. I was amazed he survived the winter transfer window. Everton did not get out of the bottom 5 in the table until after the New Year and, as a matter of fact, only spent 1 week in the top 10. Where does this leave them for this year? No better than mid-table in my opinion. The thing is, looking at the squad, they should be pressing for a UEFA Cup spot this year. Adding a quality striker like Andy Johnson from Crystal Palace as well as having James Beattie up there should serve them well, but I do not see any other forwards worth mentioning. McFadden doesn’t do a lot for me and their other two options are straight out of their youth system. Their midfield, however, does look good with Cahill, Arteta, and Neville returning this season. They, along with Beattie, were the bright spots of the team last season and should bring in the majority of goals with Johnson. The defense is the real problem here, with a sieve for a back line. Gary Naysmith and Joseph Yobo are the mainstays on the line, but are average at best for my money. The additions of Joleon Lescott from Wolves and Alan Stubbs from Sunderland may help, but I would not hold my breath if I were an Everton supporter. One thing they did get right was the massive problem at goalkeeper. Nigel Martin is gone, and they felt the need to actually go out and get a quality replacement, such as Manchester United back-up Tim Howard. This is a very good move for the blues and I look him to grow as a player this season. I foresee a permanent move to Everton after this campaign is over. Prediction: 9th. Not sure how I ended up with this conclusion, but they had a quality end of last season and hopefully it will roll over to the beginning of this one. The lack of having any European competition will help them maintain their focus on the league.

Fulham: What fortunes will Cookie Coleman have in the upcoming year? Being odds on favorite to be the first to get sacked, he needs a good quality start and I’m not seeing it. Craven Cottage was a bit of a fortress last year but, unfortunately for Coleman, half of their games have to be played on the road. The away record (or lack there of) was simply shocking. A repeat will surely get Cookie a pink slip and a pat on the ass as he exits the Cottage. A quick glance at the team tells me that they should be comfortably middle of the league with names like Radzinski, Collins John, Boa Morte, Malbranque, Brown and Bullard. However, none of the names I mentioned play at the back, which is a bit of a problem. They are very anemic in defense and although they may score goals, they are likely to let in a few more than they convert. I’m not exactly sold on Mark Crossley in goal, as well. Overall, I believe they are going to flirt with relegation for the majority of the season. Prediction: 17th. My heart will gently weep as one of my favorite managers is terminated.

Chris Coleman?

..............................Shit.

Liverpool: Before I begin my preview of The Pool, a history lesson is in order. No, this is not of Liverpool itself, but of how I became a football fan. I was one of the people who thought football was shit and there was no scoring and nothing happened except a bunch of men in shorts kicking a ball about. Then, by chance, I happened to be off on the day of the Champions League Final and decided to give it a watch. I was transfixed on the couch for 3 hours and after the final shot was blocked in the shootout, I was pretty well interested. Then, about a month later, I discovered I had Fox Soccer Channel. Watching games from the previous season, especially those of Liverpool home games, got me hooked for life. The crowds were nothing like I had ever heard and it made me think, “I want to be a part of this.” After that, I set about on my quest to find a team to support, because I really didn’t want to be a bandwagon fan. That being said, Liverpool are the team I like to see second only to Tottenham. (Clue #2)

On to the team: I love this side for the upcoming Premiership campaign. The width that they have achieved with signings like Gonzalez, Pennant, and Aurelio was sorely needed as well as a proven striker such as Craig Bellamy to actually put balls in the back of the net. Morientes and Cisse were largely busts, but they’re off now, so screw ‘em. J Florent Sinama-Pongolle is back after a successful spell at Blackburn alongside Bellamy as well as the big red giraffe, Peter Crouch. It also seems as Luis Garcia is going to take up a position slightly off of the center forward in a spot where he can do major damage. Add to all of that, a rejuvenated Robbie Fowler, and you have a potentially lethal strike force. The midfield is the bread and butter of The Reds, with Captain Fantastic, Steven Gerrard and a host of other quality players. I won’t make it a secret that Gerrard is my second favorite player as his goals are some of the greatest I have ever seen and have been known to give me the occasional goose bump. (See: Liverpool v. Olympiacos in the Champions League.) Xabi Alonso is usually rather epic in the middle along with the beast known as Momo Sissoko. I do hope that another of my favorite players, Harry Kewell, is able to recover from his injury problems over the summer that prevented him from competing against Italy in the World Cup. To see him come on as a force last year was quite fun to watch. As far as the defense goes, they were one of the best and I cannot see them faltering this season. Hyypia is the man, as is Jaime Carragher while they stifle the any forward coming through the middle. John Arne Riise and his cannon for a left foot has been improving each year and is now one of the best fullbacks in the league. Pepe Reina. What needs to be said about this stone wall in goal? Not only is he a penalty-stopping machine, but also in open play, he is neck and neck with Cech as best in the Premiership. Prediction: 1st time Premier League Champions.

Manchester City: When the biggest story of the summer is how Didi Hamann gave Bolton the ol’ Heisman stiff-arm for a move to City, you aren’t exactly on my radar as top contenders. On a positive note, Stuart Pearce is one of my favorite people in the Premiership. His enthusiasm definitely warrants the continuation of his playing moniker “Psycho.” Sadly, (or not, depending on your point of view) Calamity James is on his way out of Manchester most likely for Portsmouth. The striking situation is pretty decent this season, with the addition of Paul Dickov from Rovers as well as Vassell and Samaras returning from last season. The massive Andy Cole is past his sell by date, but is always good for a few goals. Hamann gives the midfield a lift with Joey Barton, Sibierski, and Stephen Ireland contributing to keeping City in the mediocrity that their fans have become so used to. I cannot speak knowledgably of the back line or who is going to be keeper (some Swede named Isaksson), but there aren’t a whole lot of changes from last year, so I believe quite a few goals will be let in again this season. Prediction: 14th.

Random thought: Perhaps this will be the year that City fans finally give up the notion that they are indeed a “massive club.”

Manchester United: The success of the season in my opinion depends on one thing: Sir Alex Ferguson. His managing style, to say the least, is a bit old fashioned for the new style of football in the 21st century. Not being able to keep the high profile players because he doesn’t get on with them is getting very old very fast at Old Trafford. This latest episode with Ruud Van Horseyface is evidence of his bull-headedness regarding disagreements with his talent. To sacrifice the goal machine that was Ruud out of spite is not how things get done in the business of professional football. I think (and hope) that this is his last year.

The big question going into this season is how in the world are they going to replace all of those goals that left for Real Madrid. Rooney of course is the main option, but he doesn’t do well in a position of having his back to goal. Playing just off of a main striker is where he does his damage. Louis Saha took over Ruud’s spot late last year and did an admirable job, but from what I gather, he is very prone to injury. A returning Ole Gunnar Solskjaer might provide a boost, but at 33, he’s not exactly a spring chicken. They are in desperate need of another quality striker. Rumors are running rampant concerning Adriano from Inter Milan, but it is anyone’s guess on how he would perform in England. Midfield is where United are likely to make their mark against the Prem. A fully fit Alan Smith returns from that horrid injury in the FA Cup last year and I look for him to make quite an impact this season. Scholes, Richardson, and Park Ji-Sung are all quality and Darren Fletches has to improve, doesn’t he? Last, and least, is the one player I absolutely loathe in the Premiership: Cristiano Ronaldo. This douche bag did more to turn me off to a particular player than anyone else in the world. I am still brewing information in my head to be poured out into a column at a later date. Gabriel Heinze should be in good form this year on the back line as well as Gary Neville and Patrice Evra. That leaves Rio “Jamaican National Team Wannabe” Ferdinand. So much talent, yet so much wastefulness. I’ve never seen someone who can be so great, yet make some of the most idiotic moves out on a pitch at the drop of a hat. As usual, Edwin Van Der Sar will be minding the net, and doing a good job of it. Overall, this side looks to be very quality, yet something tells me there is going to be some turmoil surrounding this campaign. Prediction: 5th. At some point in the season, Sir Alex will completely lose the plot and send his team into a downward spiral. Upon hearing news that the board wants him gone, he superglues himself to the manager’s bench in Old Trafford and screams at the top of his lungs, “You want me gone, you Yankee c*nts, you go ahead and take me!”

And We're Off!

2006-08-13T21:17:00.000-07:00

The Non-Thinking Fan’s Guide to the English Premier League

A brand new Premiership season is fast approaching, so this is the best time I can think of to introduce myself to you as the average fan’s outlet for a view on the most popular club league in the entire world. I, along with many Americans out there, am still in my formative stages as a borderline rabid football (That’s right, FOOTBALL. The word “soccer” is henceforth banned from my writing) fan. Over the course of this upcoming season, I hope to provide an informative albeit humorous reading experience for anyone who is kind enough to read this. I also look forward to receiving feedback, though sometimes harsh when deserved (Slagging off Arsenal after they lambaste some League 2 side 9-nil in the Carling Cup) and running with it to improve this column as the year progresses.

This inaugural piece will be my random thoughts of each team in the Premiership as the season is about to kick off. Note: Political correctness does not exist in the borders of these pages. There is no diplomacy here. These are my thoughts of the game, and they are extremely biased. “Biased towards whom,” You may ask. If by the end of this article you cannot figure that out, seek help from the nearest doctor and tell him or her very simply, “I have lost the ability to reason.” A number of clues will be dropped along the way to aid everyone in figuring out this massive riddle I have set before you.

Arsenal: Where to begin with this foreign legion? As my mother used to tell me, “If you don’t have anything nice to say, don’t say it at all.” Well Mom, I’m not 9 anymore, and only about 1/8th of what I am about to say is going to be somewhat kind. Thierry Henry is a great footballer, and they should finish top 4 this season. There’s your 1/8th.
I hate Arsenal. (Clue #1.) If you are an Arsenal fan and you become disturbed by what I am about to say, tough. I’ll give credit where credit is due, but as far as singing the praises of TH 14 and the rest of the team as if they are the greatest thing since the advent of porn (thanks, wherever you are), not going to happen. Not on this day, not on any day. Only one man pisses me off more than their manager, Arsene “Welluh, welluh, I did not see it” Wenger, and I’ll get to that S.O.B in another couple of teams. The hissy fit Wenger threw at Martin Jol last year when Tottenham scored a goal after 2 Arsenal players clattered into each other was disgraceful. That set me over the top against this guy. From some of the stories I’ve read of Wenger, he hasn’t had the most sterling of records when it comes to sportsmanship in situations of injured players on the pitch. (Oh yeah, it is called a pitch, not a field) The accepted rule of thumb goes: If an injury occurs on the pitch, you kick the ball out in order for him to receive treatment. For the most part, this usually happens when opposing players collide or perhaps a player pulls a hamstring, etc, etc. When your own players run into each other, tough shit. Teach them to stay out each other’s way and you’ll not have that problem. Sorry, a bit of rambling there, I know, but what are you going to do? I call it as I see it. Oh yeah, one more thing before I get to the team itself. Osama Bin Laden is a massive Arsenal supporter. Proud of that, you Gunners? Any main rival better double check the structural supports of their stadium a week or so in advance of a big game for homemade dynamite and listening for random shouts of jihads. I realize that was in poor taste, but it’s my column, so who cares?

As far as the actual squad goes, they look a quality side again this year. The major loss will be Ashley Cole at left back as he appears on his way to Chelsea. Bringing in Czech star Tomas Rosicky is a step in the right direction as he adds a bit of striking prowess to a midfield that was devoid of goals last season. TH 14 will still be the man, as he is every year, but I look for Van Persie to become a major force this year as well as Adebayor. The back line concerns me. Wait. Let me rephrase that. The back line looks very pleasing to me as they have a few injury problems back there (Sendeross most notably) and one very big moving to another team problem (Ashley Cole). Hopefully it will be enough to let in quite a few goals and they can christen their new stadium with a 5th place finish. Sadly, I don’t think that will happen. Prediction: 3rd.

Aston Villa: Good news Villa fans. This year, you will undoubtedly be the kings of Birmingham. Don’t let that go to your heads, as you have zero competition for that mantle next season. I am still befuddled as to why Martin O’Neil took that job. Perhaps he was bored and just wanted to manage again. Perhaps he saw something in Villa’s potential. I personally think he has a hard-on for sadomasochism. Why else would O’Neil make his glorious return to football in a position that breeds mental illness? Just look at David O’Leary last year. For about 7 months, he was reduced to 5 words and 5 words only: “I don’t have any money.” Villa turned him into “Rainman,” without the intelligence. Can Martin hack it? I think anyone who has gone through what he has with his wife has the heart (and stones) to handle this situation. Unfortunately, Villa isn’t exactly the happiest place on earth. He has inherited a fan base that encompasses what is widely regarded as the most miserable humans ever to attend a match. Somehow the word grim doesn’t do this situation any justice.
Notice I haven’t said much about the squad itself. What is there to say, really? To borrow a line from Eddie Izzard; It is the cutting edge of football done in an extraordinarily boring way. Aston Villa does for me what women do for George Michael. Absolutely nothing. Prediction: 15th. Before O’Neil came to the rescue on his drunken white horse (he IS Irish, after all) I would have said they were going down. The Martin factor itself should keep them up now, all the while pressing up against that glass ceiling of respectability.

Blackburn Rovers: News flash! I have almost nothing bad to say about Rovers. I know it has taken a couple of clubs, but this will be my first positive preview. Manchester United legend Mark Hughes has done a quality job leading this perennial mid to lower table team to become a force in the Premiership. I can guarantee no club wants to play Blackburn this season, right United? As far as this season goes, they will have to make a concerted effort to replace the goals that left with the forever-goofy looking Craig Bellamy. Rovers have brought in Jason Roberts from Wigan to step in as well as Francis Jeffers who is a bit of an unknown commodity. The man I am particularly fond of on this side is one Morton Gamst-Pederson. One of the breakout stars of the Prem last year, Pederson showed a flash and pace that most defenders could not handle. He also has an eye for goal that most people only dream of. Pederson made the most acute angle look ridiculously easy as he blazed shots past the ear of more than one world-class keeper. Expect more of the same this year as Blackburn are sure to remain a tough opponent for anyone. The main question is if they can handle the stress of the UEFA Cup in addition to the Premiership. Time will tell, but I can’t see them finishing in a European spot this season. Prediction: 8th. Random forecast: Robbie Savage will get 3 straight red cards this year while telling everyone within shouting distance “Red card my ass! I got the ball way before I took that chunk out of his leg.”

Bolton Wanderers: The fate of Bolton depends greatly on the shoulders of one man: Sam Allardyce. Super Sam, in my opinion, guided a 10th-15th place team to 8th last year in the Premier League. Sam’s ability to get the best out of his players is second to none and Bolton’s performance last season is a testament to that. For the upcoming campaign, an even greater performance by this team is going to be required just to hold position. Standout midfielder, Kevin Nolan, is going to be charged with achieving another quality season. Nolan, the captain, is in my mind the best of the unheralded midfielders in England. Nobody really mentions him in their conversations of who the best are; yet the job he did last season earns him a nod in my book (or column as the case may be). I look for him to step it up again, and provide more than his share of magic. My biggest question about Wanderers is their strike force. Unless Sam finally decides to finally play Jared Borgetti on a consistent basis, they are going to be stuck with about 2 real quality strikers: Kevin Davies and El-Hadji Diouf. Davies isn’t exactly a household name yet, and Diouf is very inconsistent. For this reason alone, I don’t expect a repeat of last season. Prediction: 10th.

Charlton Athletic: Again, this is my article, so I can say what is on my mind. Why does this team exist? To me, they are the most nothing club in the Premiership. Every year is the same: Start out with guns blazing only to crash and burn after a few months time and end up mid table or worse. Can ex Crystal Palace boss Ian Dowie reverse the fortunes of the annual snooze fest that is Charlton? Not likely in my mind. The lone bright spot to me is Darren Bent, who it pains me to see playing on such a drab club. The addition of Jimmy Floyd-Hasslebaink should improve Bent further this year, but it will not be enough for the rest of the team. Prediction: After winning their first 13 games, Charlton does their usual nosedive and lose the rest of their matches, but narrowly avoid relegation. 16th.

Chelsea: Another team I am not too fond of. As a lifelong fan of sports teams who don’t have the resources to buy everything in sight like someone with OCD who just won the lottery, I cannot get behind this Johnny come lately in the battle for best in England. Before big daddy Roman bought the club, they were in a position of battling for “best of the rest” behind Manchester United, Arsenal, and Liverpool. Fast-forward 3 years. Magically, they have become the dominant force in England. They buy pretty much whoever they want with riches that would make Solomon revolve in his grave. Where I will give them credit is having the ability to make it work. “The Special One,” Jose Mourinho, has a knack for creating a team unity amongst the best in the world that Real Madrid and their Galacticos theory could never achieve. You can have all the best players in the world, but if they do not play as one team, it simply won’t work. In that respect, Mourinho is one of the best on the planet. Where I simply cannot stand the S.O.B. is his constant whining and complaining about any slight against his poor little club. This ultra egomaniac takes defeat about as graceful as a one-legged ice skater. His ability to defend the actions of his team when there is no way possible he can be anything BUT wrong is laughable. Never mind when they actually lose. The shock of it! It is always someone else’s fault. “My team wasn’t fully fit. The referee was disgraceful. Robben got a bogus red card. I didn’t wear my lucky Technicolor Dream Coat.” You get the point.

Now that that rant is out of the way, I shall concentrate on the team. WOW! To simply add players like Shevchenko, Ballack, Obi Mikel, and more than likely, Ashley Cole at the drop of a hat to an already dominant team does not suck. Mix in last year’s amazing side including Lampard, Terry, Essien, Makelele, Drogba, Ferreira, and Cech, any sane person would put them as massive favorites to win the Premiership this season. I, however, am not sane in the traditional sense of the word as it relates to football. I like to predict the unexpected, and what I predict this season is the unfamiliar experience of demoralization that usually befalls many teams in the Premiership over the course of a season to one major component: Injuries. Chelsea have been very lucky over their championship runs due to extremely good fortune with the lack of major injuries. Lady luck may not be smiling on them as in years past with the injuries of Joe Cole in the MLS All-Star Game and Michael Ballack, who went out of the Community Shield match with a hip problem. This potentially damaging stroke of bad luck might be what other teams need to finally overthrow the Chelski Empire in the coming months. Come to think of it, it may be the only way. Prediction: 2nd. What I hope to happen: Jose Mourinho’s ego may actually eat his own body this year, causing Chelsea to turn to the newly departed England manager, Sven-Goran Eriksson who does what he does best. Creating an extraordinarily average team out of a collection of amazing players.

Stay Tuned over the next week as I preview the rest of the Premiership. I promise, the majority of my wrath is out of the way.